


Take Me to Your River (I Wanna Go)

by lco123



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F, F/M, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2018-12-07 04:05:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 34,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11615511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lco123/pseuds/lco123
Summary: “You’re happy, right?” Spencer asks. “Things are okay with you and Caleb?”Hanna plasters a smile on her face, so tight that it hurts. “Yeah,” she says. “All my dreams are coming true.”It shouldn’t be a lie, but that doesn't stop it from feeling like one.





	1. Well, Isn't It?

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a little fic about Hanna figuring out what (and who) she truly wants, post-finale. I am not anti-Haleb so much as I feel that Hanna and Caleb have outgrown their relationship, and I think that Hanna deserves better.
> 
> I'm not sure how long this fic will be at this point, but I hope to have another update posted in not too long. 
> 
> Accompanying playlist here (linking is not working for some reason):   
> https://8tracks.com/lco123/take-me-to-your-river-i-wanna-go

Spencer wraps an arm around Hanna’s shoulders as they watch Aria and Ezra drive away.

“I can’t believe it,” she murmurs, her mouth close enough that Hanna shivers.

“Believe what?” Hanna asks, letting her eyes close briefly as she tips her head against Spencer’s shoulder.

“You’re having a _baby_ ,” Spencer replies, like it’s obvious. “Ali and Em are parents, and now you’re going to be one too.”

Hanna nods numbly. The news is still settling in.

“You’re happy, right?” Spencer asks. “Things are okay with you and Caleb?”

Hanna plasters a smile on her face, so tight that it hurts. “Yeah,” she says. “All my dreams are coming true.”

It shouldn’t be a lie, but that doesn’t stop it from feeling like one.

\--

Pregnancy is _hard_. Like, harder than fat camp, hard. Harder than taking a calculus exam after staying up all night worrying about A, hard.

Caleb takes good care of her, but he worries, which makes Hanna worry. And he develops this annoying habit of double-checking all of Hanna’s behavior with the doctor, as if she hasn’t been reading all the same pamphlets he has.

Not long ago she dreamed of being back in New York, of she and Caleb taking the city by storm again, now that they're finally on the same page. But now she can’t imagine being anywhere but Rosewood. Her mom comes over a couple of times a week, bringing Hanna’s favorite dishes from the Radley along with their in-house massage therapist. Alison and Emily are constantly checking up on her, which Hanna found mildly annoying at the beginning of her pregnancy but has come to appreciate by the time she’s stopped being able to see her feet.

“I’m a whale!” she bemoans to Alison on the phone one day. “A sweaty whale that has to pee all the time!”

Ali chuckles warmly. “What do you need?” she asks. “I’m on my way home from work, but I can stop by the store and then your place.”

“What about the girls?”

“Em’s with them. She’ll be fine for a little longer. Where’s Caleb?”

Hanna sighs. “He’s working late. Again.”

She doesn’t really have cause to complain, not when Caleb is working overtime to ensure that the baby will have the best of everything. But still. She’s tired of spending her days alone.

“You should go home to your family,” Hanna tells Alison, hating how pouty she sounds.

“Tell you what. How about I swing by the house, pick up Em and the girls, and we bring you some frozen yogurt? With all your favorite toppings?”

“Caleb says I shouldn’t have that stuff. Too much artificial sweetener,” Hanna says, but she’s already starting to smile.

“I won’t tell if you won’t,” Ali replies. “Chocolate fro-yo with Kit Kats and Oreos?”

“And gummy worms and those really sour hard candies, please!”

Alison makes a retching noise. “That’s disgusting,” she informs Hanna, but a half hour later she and Emily and the girls are clamoring into the loft, Hanna’s perfect treat in hand.

Hanna nearly starts to cry. “You guys are the best!” she exclaims, pulling Ali and Em into a three-way hug.

“What’s family for?” Emily asks.

As they sit around trading gossip, Grace and Lily happily playing with their rattles on the floor, Hanna realizes that she can’t remember the last time the loft felt this much like home.

\--

Hanna goes into labor nearly a week past her due date, which means that everyone has been on pins and needles, waiting for the call. Aria and Ezra are in LA, finalizing the contract for the movie version of _Then and Now._ They send roses—a sweet gesture, to be sure, though the flowers are somewhat overshadowed by the gigantic arrangement and pastry basket Mona has expedited from Paris.

Caleb and Ashley are there the entire time, of course, and Emily and Alison visit just a couple of hours after the baby is born. Stella Ashley Rivers is loud, just like her mother, and Hanna feels her heart crack open the minute she sees her. 

Hours later, after she’s wept and slept and the baby has done the same, there’s a knock on her hospital door.

It’s Spencer.

Hanna ushers her inside, grateful to have a moment, just the two of them. Spencer is still in her work clothes, though she looks a bit rumpled from the plane. Hanna shifts Stella into her other arm and pats the spot beside her in the bed.

Spencer snuggles up close, her eyes filling with tears when she sees the baby. “She’s incredible.”

“I know,” Hanna agrees proudly. “Fierce, too. She came out screaming.”

“She’s strong. And beautiful.” Spencer tucks her arm around Hanna’s. “Just like you.”

Hanna’s throat starts to feel tight again, and her face gets hot. She’s cried so much already today, but this feels different. Not really about pain or release or joy, but something else. Something far off and unattainable. 

The door swings open and Caleb walks in, carrying his haul from the vending machines. “Spencer!” he says in surprise. “You’re here!”

Spencer pulls herself away from Hanna and sits up. Hanna blinks furiously. She feels like they’ve been caught doing something wrong, but she doesn’t know what.

“I’ll let you two have some food and rest,” Spencer says, her voice sounding a tad regretful. She locks eyes with Hanna, her gaze intense. Like they’re sharing a secret. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“I can’t wait.” 

As Spencer leaves the room, Hanna is surprised by just how much she means that.


	2. A Couple of Things Get Lost

Stella’s first few months fly by in a blur of diapers, tears, sleepless nights, and bickering.

There are wonderful moments, too: the first time she smiles, the way she wraps her tiny fist around Hanna’s finger, the sound of her happy gurgle after she’s been fed. Parenthood is scary, but it’s actually less scary than Hanna expected. She starts to recognize what Stella’s various cries mean and the best methods to soothe her. Caleb is at ease with the baby right off the bat, able to get her to sleep in a matter of minutes. They both fall into a routine with Stella, or as much of a routine as is possible with a newborn.

And yet. Hanna wishes they were that in sync with one another. She observes the way Emily and Alison are with their daughters and each other—not perfect, exactly, but comfortable. They make coparenting look like a choreographed dance. Meanwhile, she and Caleb can’t seem to learn a single step.

It feels like they argue over every little decision. Hanna wants to try co-sleeping while Caleb thinks enforcing the crib is important. Caleb advocates for cloth diapers while the thought of anything but disposable makes Hanna gag. There are comprises, though most often than not, Hanna finds herself conceding Caleb’s point. She just doesn’t have the energy to fight.

“How do you guys do it?” she asks Emily over lunch one day. Emily only has twenty minutes before she has to get back to school for her next class, but Hanna must have sounded rather desperate when they spoke on the phone earlier today, because Em agreed to come over without hesitation.

Emily shrugs as she swallows a bite of her burrito. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Some help that is.”

Emily snorts. “I’m sorry. It’s just—I can’t totally explain it. It probably shouldn’t work as well as it does. And it’s not like life is all sunshine and rainbows.”

“But it’s more sunshine than rain, right?” Hanna asks.

Emily seems to consider that before nodding. “Yeah, I’d say so. When the girls were born I didn’t know what I was doing, and neither did Ali. It was really hard. But we agreed to be honest about how we feel, and that helps a lot.”

Hanna props her cheek against her hand, sweeping her gaze to the other side of the room, where Stella is asleep in her swing. The sight of her squishy sleeping face makes Hanna smile, but it quickly turns into a frown. “It’s like when Caleb and I talk, we don’t hear each other.”

“Have you told him you feel that way?”

“I haven’t said it like that. I try to talk about our problems, but…” As if on cue, Stella starts to softly whine. Hanna stands to comfort her. “Then _that_ happens.”

“Maybe you guys need a night alone,” Emily suggests. “You’ve had, what, one since Stella was born?”

“Mmm hmm.” One night, about a month and a half ago, when Ashley took Stella for the evening. Hanna and Caleb made out for about fifteen minutes before Hanna started leaking milk. Caleb was understanding when she just wanted to go to bed after that. 

She hasn't felt all that sexy since then.

Emily takes her hand. “How about Ali and I take Stella on Saturday night? You and Caleb can have some alone time to do…whatever it is you need to do.”

Hanna takes her up on the offer, even though something is gnawing at her. It’s like when she finishes styling an outfit only to realize that the bracelet is all wrong; a night alone isn’t the solution, as easy and wonderful as that would be.

Caleb is happy, though, so Hanna tries to get into the spirit, even going to purchase some new lingerie after dropping Stella off with Ali and Em. But as soon as she’s pulled on the matching baby pink bra and panty set in the dressing room, she starts to cry.

She feels _wrong_ , her body looking bloated and distorted in the full-length mirror. The panties are cutting into the waistband of her maternity underwear, and her boobs look veiny and blue in the bra cups. She sits down on the bench, covering her mouth with her hand to smother what’s turning into full-on sobbing.

Hanna thought that maybe once she saw herself like this, everything would click into place. She’d feel pretty and irresistible, and she’d want Caleb to see her the same way. But it’s not that way, not at all.

Before she can spiral further, she pulls out her phone, calling Spencer, who always has the answer. 

“Hi!” Spencer says brightly. “How’s mommy-hood treating you?” They haven’t spoken in a couple of weeks, and the last time they did talk Hanna acted like everything was wonderful.

It’s weird, Hanna knows, but since she was part of the reason that Caleb and Spencer broke up, it’s almost like she wants their relationship to be perfect for Spencer’s sake. Like if they can get it right, it makes Spencer's pain worthwhile.

Well, the jig is apparently up, or whatever.

“Not good,” Hanna admits soggily.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer asks, immediately concerned. “Are you hurt?”

“No.” Hanna blinks back more tears. “But I’m sitting in a dressing room trying to feel sexy, except I just feel like a mess. And I don’t know if I even—” She cuts herself off before she can say _want to have sex with Caleb_ , but Spencer’s sigh indicates that she might get the point.

“Hey, breathe,” Spencer instructs. Her voice is a lullaby, that comforting mixture of gravelly and soft.

Hanna does as she’s told, shakily breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth.

“Did something happen?” Spencer asks.

“Not really,” Hanna replies. “Caleb and I, we’re just… I don’t know what we are. We’re not in sync. And Emily thought maybe we needed some time to ourselves. But…”

“But what?”

“I think it’s more than alone time, honestly,” Hanna confesses. “I think we might not be right. And here I am, sitting in a bra and panties, feeling fat and sorry for myself. Like that’s going to solve anything.”

“Okay, first of all, you’re trying,” Spencer says. “Don’t beat yourself up about that. And second of all, there’s a mirror there, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Alright. I want you to look at yourself.”

“Spencer—” Hanna really doesn’t want to be walked through a confidence-building exercise right now.

“C’mon,” Spencer urges. “Stand up and take a look.”

Hanna sighs but stands anyway, her eyes zeroing in on the stretch marks winding like angry snakes along her hips and thighs. “Okay, what do I do now?”

“You are beautiful,” Spencer says firmly. “You may not feel that way right now, but you are. And that body of yours housed a baby for nine months. Do you know how incredible that is? It’s okay if you don’t feel sexy. But I want you to think about everything your body can do. Everything it has done. And um…” She trails off, before continuing, “You could try touching yourself. Before Caleb touches you.”

“Like, _touch myself_ , touch myself?”

“Yeah.”

“Right now?”

“ _No!_ ” Spencer says sharply, making Hanna giggle. “I just mean, it might be a good way to reconnect with that side of yourself again.”

It’s good advice, and it’s not like Hanna is in any way a stranger to the concept, but it makes her blush, nonetheless. There’s something almost naughty about Spencer telling her to touch herself while Hanna is standing in lingerie in a public dressing room. She wonders what it would be like if she reached a hand down with Spencer still on the phone, if Spencer would ask her to describe how it feels.

And then Hanna’s eyes widen as she realizes the mental implications of that. She clears her throat. “Thank you for listening,” she says, trying to make her voice sound as normal as possible. “I appreciate it.”

“Anytime,” Spencer replies. “And Han?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s okay if it’s not right. We’ll all still be here for you. No matter what.”

Hanna sags against the wall, looking away from her reflection. “I know.”

\--

“Are you sure?” Caleb asks as Hanna starts unbuttoning his shirt.

She nods, not quite meeting his eyes. They’ve had a nice evening so far. More or less. Except neither one of them has had much to say.

Caleb helps Hanna out of her dress, grinning when he sees the pink underwear. “This is new.”

“I got it today,” she tells him. “Since nothing else fits.”

“You look great.” He buries his head in her neck, kissing up to her earlobe.

Hanna closes her eyes, working hard to get lost in the moment. To recall those days when Caleb could make her go weak in the knees, when just his hand caressing her waist could send goosebumps up her entire back.

Her mind drifts to Spencer, which isn’t all that uncommon, ever since she and Caleb got back together. She’s wondered if he ever thinks about Spencer, ever mentally compares the two of them when he’s in bed with Hanna. The thought used to bother her, but now…

Hanna runs her hands through Caleb’s hair, imagining Spencer’s fingers traveling this same path. When she kisses Caleb, she thinks about Spencer’s lips.

Hanna ran out of time to take Spencer’s advice, but that hasn’t stopped her from turning their conversation over and over in her mind. Spencer’s voice echoes in her ear: _“You could try touching yourself.”_

“You’re so wet,” Caleb gasps, and Hanna is surprised to realize that he’s right.

She shuts her eyes tight again and spreads her legs wide for Caleb, trying to pretend that he’s who she wants.


	3. Every Time I'm Feeling Down

It becomes kind of a habit, this thinking-about-Spencer thing.

It’s not intentional, or at least Hanna isn’t aware that it is. But it’s so easy, when she and Caleb still aren’t clicking back into place, to get lost for a couple of minutes in a memory of Spencer’s voice, telling Hanna that she’s beautiful.

And as the months tick by, it’s Spencer who’s there, even when she’s not physically present. Caleb is working longer and longer hours, favoring sleeping on the couch more nights of the week than in their bed. He claims it’s because he gets in so late and doesn’t want to wake her, and Hanna wants to believe that he’s telling the truth. 

But she knows it’s a lie. He isn’t having an affair, that much she’s certain of. It’s nothing so dramatic. He’s merely letting the distance settle between them, rather than trying to close it. 

Hanna gets that. She doesn’t have the energy for anything else, either.

Emily and Alison are continuously supportive, but Hanna feels bad for relying on them so much. She can see the worry on Emily’s face every time they get together, and she doesn’t want to be the cause of that.

“I’m fine by myself,” she insists when Ali invites her to the Rosewood High staff holiday party.

“Are you sure?” Ali asks. “Because there’s going to be lots of free booze and—”

“Ali,” Hanna cuts in. “Please. Go have fun with Emily. Pam has the girls for the night, right?”

“Mmm hmm,” Ali confirms. “She picked them up a half hour ago.”

“Then what are you doing talking to me for?” Hanna asks. “You should be ravishing your wife!”

Alison laughs. “She's not my wife yet, Han. But I’ll tell her you said that. Have a good night.” 

Hanna ends the call and scrolls to Spencer’s name in her Favorites. It’s like a reflex. She’s not even sure what she wants to talk about. But Ashley is watching Stella for the next couple of hours, and Caleb is working. And all Hanna wants to do with her free time is talk to Spencer.

“How are you?” she asks, aware that their conversations have been rather one-sided of late.

“Busy,” Spencer replies. “This internship is kicking my ass.”

“I can let you go,” Hanna offers.

“No, it’s okay. I like talking to you.”

Hanna smiles to herself. “Have you heard from Aria?”

“Not for a few weeks,” Spencer says. “The last time I spoke to her, Ezra was in a major pissing match with the director of the film over script changes.”

“I thought they ironed all of that out in pre-production.”

“Apparently not.” Spencer has a little bit of grit in her voice, like she’s at the point in her day when all she can do is laugh at Ezra’s fragile masculinity. Hanna imagines her leaning back on her tiny couch, a glass of red wine cradled in her hand.

“How do you think they’re doing?” Hanna asks. “Aria and Ezra?” She observed the dread with which Aria approached planning her wedding. She’s certain it wasn’t entirely about A.D.

Spencer sighs. “I don’t know. Aria’s been kind of…evasive. Like she doesn’t really want to get into it.”

“I know the feeling,” Hanna replies before she can consider editing herself.

Spencer makes a soft noise of sympathy. “Aw, Han. That bad?”

Hanna shakes her head. Her eyes are suddenly filling with tears, and she doesn’t want to go down this road right now. “No. It’s fine. It’s—it’s okay.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. Just—can you tell me about your day?”

“Of course,” Spencer replies, and proceeds to do just that.

\--

Mona calls Hanna right before Valentine’s Day, announcing that she’s moving back to the States and would love to come visit for a few days before she heads to Philadelphia. Hanna puts off telling Caleb about it until three days before she arrives. Predictably, he doesn’t take the news well.

“I thought we had finally moved on,” he grumbles, head in his hands.

Hanna scoffs. “You’re honestly going to talk to me about moving on? That’s exactly what you seem incapable of doing!”

“Keep your voice down,” Caleb snaps, eyes darting to Stella’s room, where she’s been asleep for the past hour.

Hanna moves in closer and he looks up at her from the couch. “She is my friend, Caleb. I’m tired of this bullshit grudge of yours.”

“She tried to kill you, Hanna!”

“Yeah, and then she saved all of us. Look, she’s in a good place now. She has a therapist all lined up in Philadelphia, and she’s been on new meds.”

Caleb raises a doubtful eyebrow at her. “ _She_ told you all that, I’m guessing?”

Hanna runs a frustrated hand through her hair. “I’m not going to go back and forth with you on this. I’ll book a room at The Radley if I have to.”

“No.” Caleb stands up. “It’s fine. You stay here. I’ll go to Toby’s cabin for the weekend.”

“You can’t manage two nights with her?”

Caleb looks at her sadly. His exhaustion is wearing on him, to the point that he actually appears older. “I don’t want to find out.”

He starts to walk away but she catches his hand. “Hey,” she whispers. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

“Doesn’t it?” He pulls his hand away. “Just please don’t leave Mona alone with the baby. I’ll be back on Monday.”

Hanna cries herself to sleep that night.

\--

She tries to put on a brave face for Mona, but Mona knows. She always knows.

“Honey, I can have a divorce attorney here in twenty minutes,” she assures Hanna. “We’ll take him for everything he’s got.”

“ _Stop_ ,” Hanna pleads. “We’re not there, okay?" The _yet_ goes unspoken. "Things are just kind of rough.”

Mona’s tone softens. “How rough?”

Hanna thinks about lying, about dressing the truth up into something nicer, before realizing it isn’t worth it. “Rough enough that he’s staying with Toby right now,” she admits. “Rough enough that we’re barely talking and have had sex once since Stella was born.” 

Mona has a good poker face, but Hanna can still see her surprise. She doesn’t blame her. It sounds pretty bad when said aloud like that.

“Have you thought about it?” Mona asks delicately. “Y’know…separating?”

Hanna looks down at the table. “Sometimes I wonder about life after.”

“After?”

“Like, when the fighting and the problems are over. What my life could look like. But…” She breathes in shakily. “When I imagine the after, Caleb isn’t always there.”

Mona covers Hanna’s hand with her own. “That’s okay.”

“He’s an amazing dad,” Hanna says, her voice cracking a bit.

“I’m sure he is. That doesn’t mean he’s an amazing husband.”

Hanna wipes at her tears. “I’m tired of pretending.”

“You don’t have to.”

Hanna’s phone starts to buzz. It’s Spencer. Of course it’s Spencer. Like she has some kind of sixth sense about when Hanna’s in crisis or contemplating her marriage.

“I should take this,” she tells Mona, even though there’s no real reason for her to do so.

Mona nods and Hanna gets up to answer the call. “I just wanted to say hi,” Spencer says. “I hadn’t heard from you today and I—I guess I missed you.”

The admission sends so much warmth rushing through Hanna that it nearly flushes away her previous feeling of sadness. She starts to smile.

“Mona’s here, actually,” she says. It’s not a surprise to Spencer; they talked about Mona’s visit last week.

“That’s right,” Spencer remembers. “Well, I’ll let you two get back.”

“I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Sounds good.”

“Bye, Spence.”  

She hangs up the phone feeling a little off-kilter, but better than she did before. Mona is looking at her curiously.

“What?” Hanna asks, adjusting her headband as she sits back down.

“How’s Spencer doing?”

“Fine,” Hanna replies, curtly. Mona still has an odd look on her face.

“ _What?_ ” Hanna repeats. 

Mona shakes her head. “Nothing. Tell me about the baby music class. I’m sure Stella’s been running circles around all the other little rug-rats.”

Hanna tries to move on, launching into a story about Stella knocking a plastic drum out of Bridget Wu’s son’s hand. 

But she can still feel Mona’s careful gaze studying her, putting together pieces that Hanna’s spent the last few months pretending aren’t there.


	4. Far From You

The summer of Stella’s first birthday is so jam-packed with activity that Hanna barely has time to consider the problems going on in her life.

She starts talking with Mona regularly, and before she knows it Mona has convinced her to start sketching designs again. It feels so amazing that Hanna can’t believe she ever took a break, and by early July Mona has all but secured financing for Hanna to transform her drawings into a full-on collection. Pretty much every minute that Stella is asleep Hanna has her sketchbook in hand. She goes through two sets of colored pencils a week.

Then on Stella’s first birthday, Aria shows up on their doorstep with three suitcases and a stuffed purple cat that’s half her size.

“Surprise!” she exclaims, pulling Hanna in for a hug.

Hanna hugs her back, open-mouthed. She hasn’t spoken to Aria in over a month. She left two voicemails and never heard back.

“What are you doing here?” Hanna asks, helping Aria get her luggage inside.

“I missed you guys,” Aria replies. She’s dressed in her usual wacky way: a zebra-print tunic layered over shiny pink leggings, with boots that make her an inch or two taller than Hanna. But she looks a little wrung out. Older.

And then Hanna notices that she isn’t wearing her wedding ring.

“Aria,” she says softly, taking Aria’s left hand in her own. “What happened?”

Aria exhales, shaking her head like she doesn’t entirely believe the situation. “A whole lot of his ego and me getting fed up. I don’t know if it’s permanent, but I just needed to get out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Aria says dismissively. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Where’s the birthday girl?”

Hanna raises an eyebrow as she retrieves Stella from her swing. Not wanting to talk about her relationship drama is certainly a different color on Aria, but Hanna can relate. Maybe a little too well.

Stella’s birthday passes without incident. Spencer couldn’t make it, which Hanna is more disappointed about than she’ll admit, but it’s probably for the best. She’s already overwhelmed as it is between all the presents and guests and cake. Mona makes a flowchart of who brought what gift, explaining that it will make writing thank you notes a breeze—an announcement which brings a huge smile to Pam Fields’s face.

A few days after the party Aria goes to stay at her parents’ place, allegedly so that she won’t be in Hanna and Caleb’s way. But Hanna is pretty sure that their bickering is making her uncomfortable, that witnessing the two of them fight is hitting a little too close to home.

About a week later, Hanna is getting ready for bed when she gets a text from Alison:

**radley bar. 15 min. you don’t want to miss it**

She wrinkles her nose in confusion but decides she doesn’t have anything to lose. Caleb is actually home tonight, and he agrees a little too quickly to be on baby duty for the evening. He’s probably just relieved to get Hanna out of his hair. They haven’t argued tonight, but the tension is still there, like a bad smell lingering in the air.

Hanna changes out of her sweatpants and into something a little nicer, the one pair of pre-pregnancy dark jeans that still fit her and a sparkly top that Mona gave her for her birthday. When she arrives at the bar, Alison, Emily and Aria are already there, with big smiles on their faces. There’s another woman with them, a pretty brunette facing away from Hanna, and then she turns around and it's Spencer.

“Hey there, stranger,” she says with a smirk.

Hanna is powerless to contain her shriek of excitement. She rocks forward into Spencer’s arms, earning a delighted cackle and a long hug in response.

“I didn’t think I could get away,” Spencer explains when they pull apart. “And then something changed in my schedule last minute, so I thought, why not make it a surprise?”

“Did you guys know?” Hanna asks her other friends.

“We found out earlier today,” Emily tells her. “But we knew how much you wanted to see her.” She puts a little extra emphasis on _you_ , and Hanna feels herself flush.

She looks between Spencer and Aria. “You two are going to give me a heart attack if you keep showing up like this!”

"Oh yeah," Spencer retorts. "You're clearly  _so_ unhappy to see me."

Hanna doesn't quite know what to say to that, so she just leans into Spencer's side, ignoring the tingles that rush up her spine.

“You guys,” Aria sighs. “I’m so happy to be here with all of you.”

“Me too,” Emily says softly, her eyes shifting to Ali’s. “Especially since, with all of us here, we can—”

“—finally get married?!” Aria cuts in excitedly.

“If that’s okay,” Emily is quick to add. “With everything going on, I would understand if you wanted us to wait.” She’s looking at Aria when she speaks, but Hanna knows that the words are directed at her, too.

“Are you kidding?” Aria says. “You two have waited long enough.”

Alison exhales, seeming relieved. “Good. Because we already made an appointment at the courthouse for tomorrow.”

“The courthouse?” Hanna echoes.

“We don’t need anything fancy,” Emily assures her.

“Why wait?” Aria asks. When they all look at her in confusion, she continues. “I’m ordained, remember? I could marry you guys tonight.”

Alison looks at Emily slyly. “What do you think?”

“But the girls, and my mom…” Emily murmurs.

Alison takes her hand, looking deeply into Emily’s eyes. “We can go get your mom and the girls. They’re not far away.”

“What about Jason?” Spencer asks.

“He’s in South America,” Ali reminds her. “He wouldn’t be here even if we got married tomorrow.”

“Ali,” Emily says softly, biting her lip. 

“I don’t want to wait any longer.” Alison presses a kiss to the back of Emily’s hand. “Do you want to marry me tonight?”

“I do,” Emily says, her laugh a little watery. Ali grins and pulls Emily toward her, kissing her firmly.

Aria snaps her fingers. “Alright! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Some of us still have weddings to officiate!”

Spencer nods approvingly, and Hanna realizes that somewhere in the course of this conversation, they’ve taken each other’s hands. 

“Do you want to call Caleb?” Spencer asks.

Hanna shakes her head. “No, I think it should just be us.”

Spencer doesn’t question that, and she keeps holding Hanna’s hand the entire walk back to the car.


	5. Ten-Thousand Miles Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so. long. (And yet it covers the shortest span of time. Go figure.) Anyway, hope you enjoy.

Towards the end of the summer Spencer has another small window of free time, so she suggests that the five of them spend the weekend at her family’s lake house upstate. The timing is just right. Aria isn’t working, and she doesn’t seem especially eager to get back to Boston or L.A., which is apparently where Ezra has been spending all his time these days. Emily and Alison have a lull in their schedule in the last few weeks before school starts back up, and while Hanna has been diligently working on her designs, she’s reached a bit of a creative roadblock. A few days away might be just what she needs.

She offers to take Stella with but Caleb waves her off, assuring her that he’ll be fine and that he hopes they have fun. 

She’d have an easier time believing him if he could manage to meet her eyes while speaking.

Spencer heads up there first to get the lake house in shape, inviting the rest of them to join her a few days later. On the drive up, Hanna sits in the backseat of Emily’s car next to Aria. She watches as Emily drives one-handed, her other hand intertwined with Ali’s over the center console as their iced coffees become watery in the cup holders.

Hanna tries not to study the two of them so closely, but she finds herself fascinated. It feels a bit like she and Aria are their kids, like Hanna is getting a glimpse into a childhood with parents who actually love one another. And at the same time, she can’t help but think about Caleb, about how his hands never drift from the wheel anymore when they’re driving together.

They get to the lake house in the late afternoon, at the hottest part of the day. The house hasn’t really been updated since Spencer’s grandmother bought the place, which means no A/C and no pool. Hanna considers complaining for all of two seconds when she gets inside, but then she looks at her friends and is filled with a rush of gratitude to have this time with them. Spencer in particular is beaming, which makes it especially hard to be grouchy.

Alison makes dinner while Emily fixes drinks, the two of them moving fluidly together, trading off necessary utensils and even finding space for a few kisses here and there. Hanna’s brow furrows as she observes them, and she quickly excuses herself to go unpack. She’s so lost in her own thoughts that she doesn’t hear footsteps approaching, but then Spencer’s voice is asking, “You okay?”

Hanna whips her head up toward the doorway where Spencer is standing, a concerned expression on her face. She’s in a loose green top and denim shorts cut high enough that Hanna has to remind herself not to stare.

Hanna focuses her attention back on the makeup bag she was sorting through. “I’m fine.”

“Y’know, the thing about ‘I’m fine’?” Spencer says, swanning into the room and settling down on the edge of the bed beside Hanna. “It’s one of those phrases that starts to sound less and less true the more someone repeats it.”

Hanna closes her eyes briefly, feeling herself start to deflate. “This weekend is supposed to be fun.”

“It’s also supposed to be a chance for us to catch up. You raced up here the minute Ali and Em started getting handsy. So you’ve either turned into a raging homophobe in the time I’ve been away, or you’ve developed a sudden interest in one of our married friends—”

“Definitely neither of those,” Hanna interjects. 

“ _Or_ ,” Spencer continues smoothly, “something is hitting a little close to home.”

Hanna glares at Spencer, just a little. She’s getting pretty tired of being psychoanalyzed by her friends. Even though she knows Spencer is just trying to help. “What about you?”

“What _about_ me?”

“You're full of input and advice, but when was the last time you went out with somebody?” Hanna asks, the question coming out more accusatory than she intends it to.

Spencer balks. “I’ve been too busy to date, Han. You know that.”

“And Toby?”

Spencer inhales sharply, like Hanna just pressed on a bruise. “We’re in really different places,” she says quietly. “And we’re different people. We’re not…I don’t know, meant to be, I guess. Like you and Caleb are.”

Hanna stiffens. “What makes you think Caleb and I are meant to be?”

Spencer doesn’t say anything for a second, and then she murmurs, “You guys are married. You have a kid.”

Hanna feels herself starting to get angry, and she doesn’t even know why. Spencer is just pointing out facts. If anyone is being kind of an asshole in this conversation, it’s Hanna.

But still. She came here hoping to get away from her life for a few days. And maybe that, in and of itself, is the worst part: just how badly she wants the escape.

“I am _very_ aware of that,” she tells Spencer, voice hard. “Now, can you please leave me alone?”

“Hanna,” Spencer says, somewhere between confusion and pleading.

“Please,” Hanna repeats. “Go.”

Spencer makes a noise in the back of her throat like she doesn’t understand what just happened, but she leaves the room without another word. Hanna waits until she’s gone before shutting the door and throwing her makeup bag across the room.

\--

Hanna and Spencer are both quiet during dinner, but they’re not the only ones. Aria is oddly withdrawn too, leaving Emily and Alison to carry most of the conversation and share some worried and not-so-subtle eye contact.

After the dishes have been cleared and washed, Alison retrieves a dusty bottle of Jim Beam from the liquor cabinet—likely leftover from Melissa’s college graduation party—and marches into the living room, where Hanna, Spencer and Aria are sitting sullenly.

“Alright,” Ali says with authority. “Enough of this. We are off the clock as responsible adults for the next two days, and I’m not going to waste that time with you three acting like sulky teenagers.”

“We didn’t have time to sulk when we were teens,” Spencer quips. “Maybe we’re getting it out now.”

“Not this weekend, you’re not,” Ali informs her. “Out on the porch, now. We’re going to drink this whiskey until someone either spills what’s going on or starts having fun.”

Hanna narrows her eyes at Emily, who’s standing beside her wife. “You’re going to let her boss us around like this?”

Emily puts her hands up defensively. “Hey, I don’t disagree with her. Besides, it seems like some processing needs to happen, and as the resident lesbian of this bunch I guess it falls to me to facilitate that.” She tugs the Jim Beam from Ali's fingers, screws the cap off, and takes a hearty sip, grimacing afterwards.

Ali nods approvingly. “That’s my girl,” she praises, before following Emily’s lead.

Hanna sighs but stands up anyway, taking the bottle from Alison and following her out to the porch. They all settle down into deck chairs, Hanna ending up next to Spencer without intending to. The air is muggy and the sound of crickets punctures the silence, which is still there but perhaps less awkward now that it’s been acknowledged.

Once the whiskey has made two rounds around the group, Aria finally admits, “I didn’t just leave L.A. because Ezra was fighting with the director.”

Alison smiles, looking rather self-satisfied. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

Aria scowls. “It’s not easy to talk about,” Aria says, her voice sounding rather hollow. “This isn’t, like, fun gossip. It’s hard.”

Ali’s smile fades as Emily leans forward in her chair. “What happened?” she asks Aria.

“It _did_ start with fighting,” Aria explains. “One of Ezra’s stipulations in his contract was that he got to be involved in casting the movie. To ‘protect the integrity of his characters.’” She uses air-quotes to emphasize her point. “I thought it made sense, at first. And I got to be a part of it, too. But then it came time to cast me.”

She pauses the story, motioning to Spencer for the bottle. Spencer passes it to her and Aria takes a long swig. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, wincing. “We must have auditioned dozens of women,” she continues, not looking any of them in the eye. “All different types. Some of them were really talented. But Ezra kept saying they weren’t right. He said they weren’t innocent enough, or sweet enough, or small enough. And then I realized what he meant.”

“What?” Hanna whispers.

“They weren’t young enough. He wanted someone younger. Someone he found more…attractive.”

“Oh, hon,” Ali breathes, standing up from her chair to crouch beside Aria.

Aria blinks rapidly. “I should’ve seen it, y’know? I should have gotten what was going on. This fifteen-year-old girl came in and Ezra thought she was fantastic. He begged the studio to hire her. And the most fucked up thing is that they would have done it! The man playing her love interest is twenty-seven years old, but they would have done it. You know what stopped them?”

“What?” Spencer asks, as though she might already know the answer.

“Child labor laws,” Aria says, her tone so sad and bitter that it makes Hanna shiver. “When I asked Ezra why the age was important to him, he said he wanted it to be authentic. To our love story.” She says the words like they nauseate her. “But that girl looked like a child. And…” Aria trails off, wiping at her eyes. “And at the same time, she looked like _me._ ”

Aria lets Alison take her hand. “I saw the way he stared at her,” she continues. “He was turned on, watching her read his words. I could see it in my head like a story. If she was hired, he would have been hanging out by her trailer all the time. He would have found any excuse to have alone time with her. It was wrong.” She bites down on a sob. “It was _all_ wrong.”

“You left,” Emily says encouragingly. “You got out.”

“But what if he finds another girl?” Aria asks, gazing up at her brokenly. “What if he does it again?”

Alison puts an arm around her. “Hey, we can keep tabs on him, okay? We’ve got a Mona in our lives. She can stalk somebody in her sleep.”

Hanna tries to smile, despite the tears in her eyes. “That’s right. We won’t let him get away with anything.”

“Not again,” Spencer mutters. "Aria, you can still file a police report. It's not too late."

"We'll all back it up," Alison adds.

"Ride or die," Hanna says.

"Always," Emily vows.

Aria takes a loud, shaky breath. “I thought we were getting our happily ever after.”

“You still can,” Spencer promises. “It just might look different than how you thought.” Her gaze meets Hanna’s and she nods, once. Hanna nods back.

Aria stares out at the still, black lake. “I have to go to bed,” she says, more to herself than to anyone else.

“Okay,” Alison replies. She motions for Emily to stand up. “We’ll help you.”

Aria seems like she wants to reject their assistance, but Ali is already pulling her to her feet, and Emily is opening the screen door. Hanna stands as well before realizing that there’s nothing she can do, so she calls out, “Get some sleep, Aria.”

She shakes her head and sits back down, but not before swiping the Jim Beam off the table and taking a drink. She passes the bottle to Spencer, who wordlessly accepts it.

“I knew he wasn’t a good guy,” Hanna murmurs after a minute. “But I didn’t expect  _that_.”

“Me neither,” Spencer replies, handing the bottle back.

Hanna takes another drink and places it back on the table. She turns to Spencer. “I’m sorry about earlier,” she says softly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“ _Nothing_ is wrong with you,” Spencer replies, her eyes warm but a little sad. “You’re going through a hard time and you lashed out. I get it.”

Hanna leans back in her chair, still looking at Spencer. “You always know what to say to me.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is,” Hanna insists. “Every time the phone rings and I see it’s you, I get excited. Because I know talking to you is going to make me feel happy.”

Spencer glances away, and maybe it’s the heat, but Hanna thinks she might be blushing. “I feel the same way.” 

Her eyes drift back to Hanna’s, and the moment suddenly feels heavy, the air thick, and not just from the humidity. Hanna can’t believe she didn’t realize it before, but their chairs are really close. Like, close enough that if Hanna paralleled her arm to Spencer’s, their hands would touch. 

Her stomach churns with how much the thought excites her.

Spencer looks away first again, maybe because she’s tired, though Hanna has a feeling it’s for a different reason. “We should go in. It’s getting late.” She stands up, but as she goes to walk past Hanna’s chair, Hanna catches her hand.

Spencer stares down at their hands, then at Hanna’s face. The expression in her eyes is concerned, but also a little hot and unhinged, like a campfire that’s had one too many logs added to it. 

Hanna feels like the want inside her could burn her alive.

Slowly, she pulls herself to stand, Spencer’s fingers tightening around her own as an aid. Their faces are inches away from each other. Hanna can feel Spencer’s breath on her face, can see the way Spencer keeps glancing down at her lips. 

And then Hanna can’t take it anymore, and she’s kissing Spencer so forcefully that they knock into the table. Distantly, Hanna hears the bottle of Jim Beam shatter against the porch, but the sound doesn’t register, not when her tongue is in Spencer’s mouth and Spencer’s hands are sliding up the back of her shirt. Hanna swallows Spencer’s moan, gripping tightly to any part of Spencer that she can reach.

And then Spencer is pulling back, forcing their bodies apart. Hanna is sweating and there’s whiskey on her feet and shards of glass all around them.

“We can’t do this,” Spencer says firmly.

“I know,” Hanna whispers, still gasping a little, the tears coming in earnest now.

“You’re married. You have a kid.”

“I know.” Hanna shakes her head, coughing out a noise that’s somewhere between a sob and a bark of laughter. “Like I said, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” Spencer repeats, but she doesn’t sound so sure this time. “It’s going to be okay.” She swallows audibly, looking down at the mess around them. “I’m gonna get a broom, okay?”

Hanna nods and watches her go, momentarily grateful to be left alone with the darkness.


	6. Of Going, and Not Where I've Been

It’s not exactly Hanna’s proudest moment, taking a one hundred and sixty-dollar Uber in the middle of the night back to Rosewood. But she's out of options. There’s no way she can stay the rest of the weekend, after kissing Spencer like that. And it’s not like she’s going to call Caleb to come pick her up.

Spencer goes to bed after they clean up the mess on the porch, not much more than an awkward wish for a good night passing between the two of them. Once Spencer’s in her room, Hanna wastes no time haphazardly getting her bag together and ordering her car. 

She can’t bear to wait on the porch, at the scene of the crime, so she lugs her suitcase down the stairs and stands in the dimly lit driveway, breathing shallowly and praying that the noise of the car won’t wake up her friends.

She sends a group text to Aria, Emily and Alison from the Uber, saying that Stella is sick—nothing serious, but Hanna wants to be there for her. 

She texts Spencer a much shorter message, just reading:

**I’m sorry**

Hanna gets home around three in the morning. She enters the loft as quietly as possible, feeling like maybe the longer she goes unnoticed by Caleb, the longer she can pretend like this night didn’t happen. She remembers Spencer explaining the concept of suspended animation to her in junior year. _The temporary cessation of most vital functions without death, as in a dormant seed or a hibernating animal._

Literally putting life on hold.

And then she remembers Spencer. Her lips. Her tongue. The taste of her mouth, like whiskey but something else, something that Hanna could very easily see becoming addictive. The feel of her smooth, strong thighs under Hanna’s fingertips. The way that kissing her was at once so much better and so much worse than Hanna could have imagined.

It had certainly felt like she wanted Hanna like Hanna wanted her, but was she just reacting in the moment? Did she even—

Hanna shakes her head, cutting off that train of thought. It doesn’t matter if Spencer wanted her back. It’s not like Hanna is going to do anything about it.

She surveys her living room. Caleb is asleep on the couch, with Stella curled up on his chest. It’s a sight that would make most mothers instantly smile, their hearts overflowing with joy and love.

Hanna turns away and walks into the bathroom. She lets the water in the sink run until it’s almost painfully hot, then soaks a washcloth and vigorously rubs it over her face. She scrubs until her skin is pink and hurting, not bothering to look at her own reflection before turning off the light.

\--

Hanna very consciously spends the next week or so trying to avoid picking fights with Caleb. Which, as it turns out, means that she ends up doing a lot of lying. 

Lying about why she’s home early. (“We all kind of got into a fight. Girl stuff. I don’t want to talk about it.”) 

Lying about the work she promised Mona she’d get done. (“It’s okay, it can wait. Toby’s back in town and you should go see him. I’ll take care of Stella.”) 

Lying about what she wants. (“You’re right, honey. We _should_ do more date nights.”)

It’s a little like being back in high school. Hanna half-expects a text from A telling her that she’s doing a good job and her prize is just around the corner.

God, she still  _hates_ lying.

Ashley offers to babysit so Caleb can take Hanna to the new Italian restaurant on Main Street. Ashley and Caleb make it seem spontaneous, but Hanna can tell they preplanned the whole thing as a surprise for her, and Caleb admits as much once they get to the restaurant.

Hanna lies about being okay with that, too.

She doesn’t say much at dinner, part of her strategy to prevent any fights before they can begin. Cutting them off at the pass. Tonight, Caleb notices, eyeing her quizzically over the melty candles.

“What’re you thinking about?” he asks.

Hanna shrugs. “Not much.”

He gives her the look that never fails to remind her of her father. “I don’t buy it. Something’s on your mind.”

“I’m thinking that it’s getting late,” she says. Not entirely untrue. “And I don’t really feel like dessert.”

“Okay, something must be really wrong if you don’t want dessert. This place has homemade gelato on the menu!”

“Gelato is just ice cream that takes itself too seriously.”

Caleb chuckles, but it doesn’t sound totally genuine. He slides his hands across the table, as though waiting for Hanna to meet him in the middle.

She keeps her hands in her lap.

The slight smile on his face rearranges itself into a frown. “Hanna,” he sighs. “Are we going to talk about this?”

“Talk about what?” she asks, willing to continue the charade for at least a few more beats.

“I feel like we aren’t communicating.”

“We’re communicating right now,” Hanna points out. She can feel her defenses starting to rise, can hear her voice starting to reach that pitch that it always does right before an argument. The tone that doesn’t sound like it belongs to her, that always seems more like her mother’s voice in the months leading up to her parents’ divorce.

“We’re not, though,” Caleb counters. “You and I both know that we’re not.” He sounds sad, but certain. Like maybe he’s practiced these words in front of a mirror.

“What do you want to do?”

“We could try counseling,” Caleb offers. “I—I actually contacted Dr. Sullivan, and I got the names of some marriage and family therapists—”

“You got _names_?” Hanna interjects. She doesn’t mean to sound so incredulous, but it definitely catches her off guard. She didn’t realize Caleb was so aware of their problems.

What else could he be aware of?

“I did,” he confirms. “I think we should try. Don’t you?”

Hanna blinks a couple of times. “That’s why you planned this dinner,” she recognizes. “So you could bring this up.”

He nods, perhaps a little sheepish. “Yeah. I didn’t want us to have to get into this in the middle of changing Stella’s diaper. It feels like we never have time for each other anymore.”

“That’s not my fault,” Hanna snaps, automatically.

Caleb raises an eyebrow. “I didn’t say it was.”

Hanna presses a hand to her forehead. She can feel a headache coming on, though it might just be her body and brain conspiring to give her an out from this conversation. “Can we talk about this more later?”

“When?”

Hanna glances around for their waiter and motions for the check once she makes eye contact with him. “We’ll talk about it more,” she promises. “Just not right now. Give me time to think. I'm tired, okay?”

“I’m tired, too. That’s why I think we need this.”

She exhales slowly, looking at the candles, at her fingernails, anywhere but at him.

He wants so badly for them to try. And that just makes it all the more clear how much she doesn’t.

\--

Hanna dodges three calls and four texts from Spencer after her “I’m sorry” message. She doesn’t feel good about it, but she also doesn’t know what to say.

Two weeks after that fateful night at the lake house, Hanna is home in the middle of the day when there’s a knock on her door. It’s Spencer, of course. Hanna considers pretending she’s not home before realizing that they’ll have to talk to each other eventually. 

Besides, Spencer can pick locks. She’s not an ideal person to shut out.

Spencer’s expression is unreadable when Hanna opens the door. “I’m glad to see you’re alive,” she comments. “Here.” She hands Hanna the makeup bag that Hanna threw across the floor in her room at the lake house. She’s been looking all over for it.

“Thanks,” Hanna replies, accepting the bag and tucking some hair behind her ear. “Do you want to come in?”

Spencer crosses her arms. “I don’t know.”

“You’re mad at me,” Hanna surmises.

“I was, at first.”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

Spencer rolls her lips together. “I wasn’t mad about the kiss.”

“Come in,” Hanna pleads, stepping back from the door to allow Spencer space. “Let’s not discuss this in the hallway.”

Spencer hesitates for one more second before nodding and entering the room. Her shoulders are a little too square; Hanna can see the tension mounting between them. 

“Do you want anything?” Hanna asks.

“Besides an explanation?”

Hanna snorts. “Touché.” She walks over to the couch, sitting down and patting the spot beside her. Spencer sits down gingerly.

“I’m sorry,” Hanna says. “I don’t know if anything I say will be good enough. Kissing you was wrong. Disappearing like that was even worse.”

“It was,” Spencer acknowledges. Her whole body seems to exhale slightly. “I was so worried about you. I only knew you were somewhat okay from Ali and Em.”

“I haven’t said much to them either, if that makes you feel better,” Hanna assures her. “And I haven’t told them what happened.” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t want you to think that I was, like, using you, just because I’m unhappy in my marriage.” 

When Spencer doesn’t say anything, Hanna continues, “That wouldn’t have happened if it was anyone else out on that porch. I…” She trails off, darting her eyes up to Spencer’s and then back down again. “I think I’d been wanting to do that for a while.”

Spencer clasps her hands together tightly. “Okay.”

“That doesn’t mean it was right, or that it’s going to happen again,” Hanna adds.

“I know.”

“I left because I felt guilty,” Hanna admits. “About—all of it. What I was doing to Caleb. What I was doing to you.”

“I sort of put that together,” Spencer replies, holding Hanna’s gaze. “But thank you for telling me. I’m sorry, too.” She releases one of her hands to run it through her hair, and Hanna tries not to stare too hard at her fingers. “I shouldn’t have kissed you back. I should have stopped it immediately.”

“Can I ask you something?” When Spencer nods, Hanna asks, “Why didn’t you? Was it just a reactionary thing, or—”

“No,” Spencer says. “It wasn’t a reaction. I think I’d been wanting to do that for a while, too.”

Hanna feels her stomach drop. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Spencer slowly stands up. “You and I need some space from each other. Which is good timing, because I have to get back to work and school.” 

She offers Hanna a small smile. “Thanks for answering the door.”

“Thanks for not hating me,” Hanna replies. She wants to go to Spencer, but she feels like her body is glued to the couch.

Suspended animation.

“I could never hate you,” Spencer says softly.

This time, Hanna watches Spencer walk away from her.


	7. Never Simple, Never Easy

They’re both quiet on the drive home from therapy.

It’s their third appointment, and Hanna can tell that the therapist is getting frustrated with her. The woman hides it well—it is her job, after all—but Hanna is finding it difficult to open up. Because opening up means talking about being unhappy, and talking about being unhappy means talking about Spencer, and Hanna is not ready to have the fight that that would lead to.

It’s easier to say nothing.

As they pull up in front of the loft, Caleb leans back in the driver’s seat and sighs.

“She said we need to work on being more honest. On sharing how we actually feel,” he reports, as though Hanna wasn’t present for the last hour-and-a-half.

Oh, she was present. She felt ever last damn minute of that session.

“Yeah,” Hanna replies noncommittally.

“So? How do you feel?”

“Tired.” Not exactly a lie. “And hungry. What should we have for dinner?”

“ _Hanna_ ,” Caleb murmurs. He’s sounding frustrated, too. “Please.”

She runs a hand through her hair, finally looking up at him. “I know, okay? I know it’s not good. But do we have to sort it out right now?”

“It’s not going to get better if we don’t deal with it.”

Hanna impulsively raises a hand to his cheek, and he pulls back slightly, as though the contact is startling. 

She understands. They’ve barely touched each other in the last few weeks.

She sweeps her thumb over his cheekbone and studies his face. He’s the same boy she fell in love with, all those years ago. So why does it feel so different?

Hanna leans forward and presses a quick kiss to his lips. He starts to kiss back but then she pulls away, completely on instinct. 

She opens the car door and quickly gets out, her heels echoing, loud and harsh, against the pavement.

\--

Hanna and Stella are at Rosewood High, eating lunch with Emily in the teachers’ lounge.

Well, Hanna’s eating lunch. Stella is napping in her car seat.

“I feel like we shouldn’t be here,” Hanna murmurs, sweeping her gaze around the room. “But also, this is way less cool than I thought it would be.”

Emily nods as she spears her salad with a fork. “I know. I felt the same way the first time I came here. And technically you’re not supposed to be in the lounge, but I think Hackett is still scared of you.”

Hanna smiles weakly. “Good.”

“So,” Emily begins, eyeing Hanna over her food. “What was so urgent that it couldn’t wait until later?”

Hanna shrugs, a bit embarrassed. She all but begged Emily to let her and Stella crash Emily’s lunch, but it’s not like there’s any real emergency. It was more that being cooped up in the apartment was starting to eat Hanna alive, and she needed an escape.

“I don’t know,” she replies, unconvincingly. “I guess I just wanted to catch up.”

“Have you heard from Spencer?”

Hanna shakes her head. They haven’t spoken since the day Spencer came to the apartment, which was over a month ago. Hanna’s been missing her terribly, more than she’d like to admit. Her coping strategy of trying to banish any and all thoughts of Spencer hasn’t been particularly successful.

“I talked to her last week,” Emily says. “She asked about you.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I said you seemed a little lonely,” Emily replies. “And she said that she misses you.”

Hanna swallows thickly. “I miss her too.”

“I know, Han.” Emily sets a hand over Hanna’s, her fingers seeming to gravitate toward Hanna’s wedding band. “Aria’s pretty sure she’s going to file the police report.”

Hanna breathes out, trying to settle her emotions. “That’s good.”

“She’ll probably need all of our help.”

“I can’t think of a more worthy cause.” Hanna looks down at their hands. Emily’s engagement ring sparkles, even under the fluorescent lights.

“You and Ali are meant to be,” she says, out of nowhere.

“Where’d that come from?”

“Spencer said something about Caleb and I being meant to be,” Hanna explains. “You and Ali are, I’m completely sure about that. But he and I…” She cuts herself off, hearing her voice start to get a little thin.

“Maybe there is no ‘meant to be,’” Emily offers. “Or maybe there is, but you get to chose how it goes.”

“Yeah,” Hanna whispers. “Maybe so.” 

\--

Caleb is home when they get back, which is unexpected. Hanna thought he’d be at work all day. It could be a sign, though of what, she isn’t sure.

“Were you with your mom?” he asks.

“Emily,” she replies. 

Caleb raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t she at school?”

Hanna nods. Stella is still sleeping, so she sets the car seat down and comes to sit beside Caleb on the couch. 

“I needed to talk to her,” she tells him.

“About?”

“Us.”

Caleb sighs heavily and closes his laptop, rearranging himself so that he’s facing Hanna. “Well, I’m glad you’re talking to _somebody_ about us.”

“Caleb,” Hanna says softly. She knows the words are coming, the same way you can anticipate a huge drop on a rollercoaster. “I—I kissed Spencer.”

Caleb gapes like a fish. “You _what_?”

“It happened at the lake house,” she continues, forcing herself to look him in the eyes. “I didn’t plan for it. But it wasn’t completely spontaneous. I’m so sorry.”

Caleb breathes in and out a few times and stares down at the ground. Hanna doesn’t know what she expects him to do: scream, or cry, or storm right out. Something big. Something dramatic.

But instead he murmurs, “I forgive you.”

“What?”

“I forgive you,” he repeats, still focused on the ground.

Hanna is quiet for a moment, feeling the truth sway inside of her.

She might not know exactly what she wants. But she knows what she doesn’t.

“I don’t want you to forgive me,” she replies tearfully. “It isn’t supposed to be like this.”

Caleb tilts his head toward her. “Be like what? I’m not supposed to try and make things work?”

“Not by yourself,” Hanna says. “Not when I don’t want to anymore. I’ve known for a long time, but I haven’t been able to say it.”

“So say it now.”

Hanna wipes at her cheeks. “This isn’t working. And it’s not a matter of needing therapy. And it’s not because of Spencer. We aren't right. Please don’t let me be alone in feeling that.”

“I love you,” Caleb says, like it could solve everything.

“I love you too,” Hanna replies. “But that’s not enough. I don’t want Stella growing up with parents who aren’t good for each other. She deserves better than that.”

Caleb is quiet for a long time. He’s not looking at Hanna anymore, but she can see the tears on his face. And then Stella starts to cry, and he wordlessly gets up to comfort her. Hanna watches as he pats her back, whispering fragments of a lullaby in her ear. 

Before she knows it Hanna has gotten up as well and is standing with them, rubbing Stella’s forehead as Caleb rocks her.

To anyone looking in, they’d appear to be the perfect family.

Hanna catches Caleb’s eye over the top of Stella’s head. She knows her eyes hold a question, because Caleb nods, once, in reply. Hanna blinks back more tears as she kisses her daughter’s temple.

Two days later, Caleb moves out.


	8. If You're Lost, You Can Look

The plate shatters against the wall with a satisfying crash.

“I’m amazed your arm’s not tired,” Ashley remarks.

“I’m constantly carrying a baby around. My arms have never been in better shape,” Hanna replies. She pulls off her safety glasses and surveys the damage in front of them. There are bits of glass everywhere, so thoroughly fragmented that it’s hard to believe they ever formed plates. “Should we get another stack?”

Ashley pulls off her own glasses and leans against the guardrail. “We could. But we’ve been here for almost two hours, and you’ve yet to say a word about Caleb.” She catches Hanna’s eye, and Hanna finds herself once again squirming under her mom’s stare.

“Let’s get something to drink,” Ashley suggests, guiding them out of the plate smashing area of Cracked Up and over to the bar. It’s a small establishment and the bar is especially tiny, but Hanna supposes that the type of people who pay to smash plates are probably less concerned about atmosphere than the simple ability to get drunk.

“I owe you an apology,” Ashley murmurs once they’ve ordered.

Hanna frowns. “For what?”

Ashley sighs, looking at Hanna softly. “I think I may have given off the impression at times that I trusted Caleb more than you.”

Hanna doesn’t look at her mom. There’s truth in Ashley’s statement. It’s probably part of the reason why Hanna kept Ashley in the dark about the problems in her marriage for as long as she did. So much so that Ashley seemed genuinely surprised when Hanna told her that she and Caleb were separating.

“It’s not true, Hanna,” Ashley continues. “You are incredibly smart and capable. And I know it might feel like the world is ending right now, but I promise that it isn’t.”

Hanna sets her elbows up on the bar. “It doesn’t feel like the world is ending.”

“What does it feel like?”

“It feels like…like the first day of school after my makeover. After Ali was gone. I acted all sure of myself when Mona and I walked in, but I was terrified. I knew I was supposed to be somebody different, but I didn’t know who that was.”

Ashley sets her hand over Hanna’s. “You don’t have to be anybody different.”

Hanna presses her lips together, trying to work out exactly what she means. “Not different, exactly. More like, I had a fresh start. All these possibilities. I could be anyone I wanted to be, and no one was going to stop me.” She takes a deep breath, feeling her eyes fill with tears. “And it scared the _shit_ out of me. And it still does, now.”

Ashley nods. “Our first night alone in the house after your dad left, I was terrified. I was certain every little noise was either someone trying to break in, or him coming back to say he’d made a mistake. And I wasn’t even sure which one I was more afraid of, because I knew if it was your dad I’d take him back in a heartbeat. So I was mad at myself, and I was also mad at the fear. All I wanted was to be a strong, independent woman.”

“You _are_ a strong, independent woman,” Hanna points out.

“I wasn’t always, though. It took a while to get there. But then eventually I figured out who I was without him. And best of all, I realized how much I liked that person. You just have to take it one day at a time.”

Hanna breathes in shakily. “The most important thing to me is that Stella has a good life.”

“She will,” Ashley promises. “She already does. She has a mom who loves her so much, she didn’t want to put her through a childhood with parents constantly fighting.” Ashley squeezes Hanna’s hand. “I wish I’d been that brave for you.”

“I don’t,” Hanna tells her, truthfully. “I think seeing you go through all of that when I was old enough to remember was good for me.”

Ashley smiles, wiping a tear off of Hanna’s cheek. “I love you so much. How do you feel?”

Hanna closes her eyes for a second, internally surveying the question. She feels a lot: sadness and fear and a little bit of anger. But also hope. The possibility that things might turn out okay.

“I feel alright,” she replies.

“That’s good. And anytime you don’t feel alright, you just call me up, okay?”

“Okay,” Hanna agrees.

“Another stack?”

“No,” Hanna decides. “I think I’m good right where I am.”

\--

The thing about routines is that they’re easy to fall into. Caleb rents an apartment a few blocks from the loft, and once he’s equipped to have Stella there, he and Hanna start trading off at the midpoint of the week. It’s awkward between them, but it has been for months, and at least now they aren’t pretending it isn’t.

Hanna does her best to downplay the situation with her friends. A hard task when words like “divorce” are getting thrown around.

But the last thing she wants is people fretting over her. Emily and Alison, for their part, offer a fairly measured reaction, assuring Hanna that they’re there for whatever she needs and are always happy to provide babysitting. In the weeks that follow, Emily only texts once a day to ask how Hanna is doing. Aria immediately schedules a FaceTime call, and the two of them spend most of the chat drinking wine while bemoaning their exes. Mona gets a date on the books for Hanna and Stella to come visit, and the day after they talk a gift basket with an odd assortment of chocolates, vodka, baby clothes and a few different types of vibrators appears on Hanna’s doorstep.

And then there’s the matter of Spencer. Hanna keeps putting off the call, unsure of exactly how to approach the situation. She’s certain that the truth will eventually come out from Emily or Alison or Aria—it’s not like she’s asked them to keep quiet—and truth be told, she’s kind of happy to let nature run its course. Or whatever the gossip equivalent of nature is. It’s one less uncomfortable conversation she has to have, made extra uncomfortable by the weirdness going on between them in the past few months.

Of course, it doesn’t feel good, keeping something like this from Spencer. Nothing about avoiding Spencer has felt good. So it’s almost a relief when, nearly a month after Caleb has moved out, Spencer calls her. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” she says in response to Hanna’s greeting.

“I’m sorry,” Hanna replies, a mixture of shame and gratitude flooding over her. It’s been over two months since they’ve spoken.

“We don’t keep big life stuff from each other,” Spencer insists. She sounds more hurt than angry, which makes Hanna feel even worse. “Not after everything.”

She doesn’t say what _everything_ means, but Hanna knows. Not after Caleb. Not after Jordan or Toby or Ezra. Keeping secrets has never ended without one of them getting hurt.

“I’m sorry,” Hanna repeats. “You’re right. Who spilled?”

“Emily,” Spencer sighs. “And _I’m_ sorry. I shouldn’t be berating you. This is your life. I just—”

“I know.”

“Was it because of—”

“No,” Hanna says immediately, before Spencer can even get the question out, not to mention before Hanna can process it. 

She breathes in and out a few times. “Or if it was, that wasn’t all of it. Not even half of it.” When Spencer is silent, Hanna adds, “Maybe a quarter.”

“Okay,” Spencer replies, sounding like she’s working hard to stay calm. “I think I can deal with a quarter. Are you okay?”

“I’m getting there,” Hanna says. “It’s weird, and everyone keeps giving me sympathy eyes, which you know I hate.”

“I do know that.”

“I miss you,” Hanna admits after a beat. “I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that, but I do.”

“I miss you too,” Spencer says, her voice a little thin. “I’m really sorry that you and Caleb couldn’t make it work. And I’m sorry if I had something to do with that. Even if it was only a quarter.”

“I’m pretty sure we would have ended no matter what,” Hanna tells her. “But thank you. How are you?”

“Oh, y’know. Stressed out. Over-extended. Trying and failing to make my family proud.”

Hanna clears her throat, trying to sound nonchalant. “Are you seeing anyone?”

Spencer blows out a loud breath. “Han.”

“Am I not allowed to say _that_?”

“I don’t know,” Spencer replies. “I don’t know what the rules are anymore.”

“Yeah, I guess you kind of throw out the rulebook when you start kissing your friends.”

Spencer snorts. “ _Friends_? As in, you’re kissing more than one?” she says with faux indignation. “And here I thought I was special.”

“No. Just you.” The words sound more loaded than Hanna intended, so she clears her throat again. “I should get going. Stella will need to eat soon.”

“I have a bunch of legal briefs to read over, so good timing,” Spencer replies. “But I’m glad we got to talk.”

“Me too.”

“And Han? Don’t disappear on me again.”

“I won’t,” Hanna promises. She wants to tell Spencer that she loves her, but she isn’t really sure which way she means it. “I’ll call you sometime soon.”

“You better,” Spencer says, though she doesn't sound hurt anymore. 

They say their goodbyes and Hanna leans back against the couch cushions, the pound of her heart hard and impossible to ignore inside her chest.


	9. The Second Hand Unwinds

“Well, I’m going to say it,” Mona announces once Hanna and Stella are more or less settled inside her apartment. “Separation agrees with you, hon. You look fantastic.”

Hanna shoots a skeptical eye roll Mona’s way, but she can’t deny that the compliment pleases her. She has felt a little lighter, a little less bogged down, in the three months since Caleb moved out. Which, if she’s being honest, has seemed like a pretty clear indication that she made the right call.

“And _you_ ,” Mona directs to Stella, who has wiggled out of Hanna’s arms and is staring in awe at Mona’s impeccably decorated apartment, “just keep getting prettier and prettier. Thank god you inherited your mother’s forehead instead of your father’s.” Mona looks back up at Hanna. “The poor thing would have had to grow bangs.”

“Mona _,_ ” Hanna says sternly.

“What? I’m saying it’s a good thing. Now let me fetch Stella’s presents so you and I can talk.”

“You didn’t have to get her anything,” Hanna murmurs, sweeping her gaze around Mona’s home. She’s been here a few times before, but she's always struck by just how put-together it feels. Like a grown up apartment, the kind you see in movies.

“Nonsense, of course I did.” Mona glides back into the room with two packages in hand, ushering Hanna and Stella over to the coffee table.

Hanna smiles as Mona helps Stella open the gifts: a gorgeous hand-painted puzzle of Stella’s name and a very expensive-looking stacking game with ducks wearing berets.

“Be honest; did you have these flown in from Paris?” Hanna asks.

Mona shrugs noncommittally. “Maybe. Only the best for Little Miss, here.”

“You spoil her,” Hanna points out, without an ounce of upset. Stella is already excitedly playing with her ducks on the rug.

“That’s the job of the favorite aunt.” Mona pats the spot on the couch next to her. “For us, I have wine.”

Hanna lets herself deflate against the soft couch cushions. “ _Good_.”

Mona disappears into the kitchen and returns a moment later with two very full wine glasses. “Sip. Breathe,” she instructs. Hanna is all too happy to follow her orders. “Then we can talk.” 

As Hanna drinks her wine, Mona’s phone buzzes in her pocket. Her face lights up as she checks it.

“Who’s that?” Hanna asks.

Mona’s face rearranges itself to something more neutral. “It’s no one,” she dismisses. “Now, how are you?”

Hanna furrows her brow but decides to let Mona off the hook for the time being. “I’m doing okay.”

“I can see it on your face,” Mona replies. “You seem less stressed out.”

“I am. It’s weird—not having another person around should make things harder, especially with a kid. But it’s such a relief to not feel like I’m constantly going into battle, or pretending everything's fine when it's not.”

Mona nods. “That’s great to hear. And your friends have all been supportive, I'm sure? Emily and Alison? Aria?” Her eyes seem to sharpen their focus. “ _Spencer?_ ”

Hanna glances away, trying to avoid crumbling under Mona’s scrutiny. “Yeah, they’ve all been wonderful! Just totally awesome,” she replies, her voice sounding too enthusiastic even to her own ears.

“Hanna,” Mona says softly. “Come on. It’s me. I know something’s up.”

“Nothing’s up,” Hanna insists.

“Are you sure? Nothing at all?" She raises both eyebrows at Hanna's silence. "Perhaps between you and Spencer?”

Hanna lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

She closes her eyes and reopens them slowly. “We kissed,” she admits. “A few months ago. It wasn’t the reason for the breakup, but it also wasn’t _not_ the reason.”

When Hanna finally dares to look up at Mona’s face, she sees nothing but love and understanding staring back at her. “I guessed it was only a matter of time,” Mona says.

“Yeah. I should have stopped it. I mean, I knew I was playing with fire.” It feels weird, finally talking about this with someone who isn’t a part of it. But Hanna also kind of feels like a dam that’s finally being allowed to burst.

“You wanted her,” Mona replies simply. “Do you still?”

Hanna hesitates before nodding. There’s no point in denying it anymore. Not at this stage of the game. “I’m not ready for anything yet, and I don’t even know if she feels the same way—”

“Of course she does,” Mona cuts in. “She’d be crazy not to.”

Hanna sniffs. “It’s not just an attraction thing. I feel something for her that I’ve never felt for any of my friends before. Something…powerful.”

“It’s terrifying, isn’t it?” Not for the first time, Mona’s tone is a little hard to read. Almost wistful. 

But then her phone starts to buzz again, this time with a phone call, and Mona’s expression shifts to one of concern. “I’m so sorry, Han. I have to take this.”

Before Hanna has time to say another word, Mona is out of the room. Hanna doesn’t want to snoop, but she can’t help her curiosity, and she finds herself straining to catch any stray words. Mona keeps her voice low, but Hanna hears enough to determine that Mona must be fairly close with the person on the other end of the call.

“I’m sorry,” Mona says again when she walks back in.

“Who was that?” Hanna asks.

Mona shakes her head. “It isn’t important.” She doesn’t appear concerned anymore so much as embarrassed. “Where were we? Ah, Spencer.”

Hanna eyes her warily but says nothing.

“Have you talked to her about this?” Mona asks.

“We’ve sort of talked around it,” Hanna replies. “I think she’s keeping her guard up around me. Which I don’t blame her for, after I basically attacked her with my mouth.”

“But she kissed back?”

Hanna inhales sharply, allowing herself a brief moment to reflect on their kiss on the porch. Those perfect, electrifying seconds before everything turned to shit. “Yeah, she kissed back.”

“Maybe we should plan an elaborate seduction,” Mona suggests.

Hanna chuckles mirthlessly. “I don’t think that’s going to solve anything.” She takes another swallow of wine before turning her attention back to Mona. “So. Who’s the mystery person on the phone?”

Mona bristles. “I already told you, it doesn’t matter.” 

“I don’t believe you. Look, Mona, if you have someone special in your life, I want to know about them.”

“Really? Even with everything you’re going through?”

“ _Especially_ with everything I’m going through,” Hanna assures her. “I don’t want you to hide your happiness from me.”

“It’s not just that,” Mona says quietly. “You’re right about me dating someone. But it isn’t just any random old person.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

“I’m serious,” Mona continues. “This is someone you know.”

“Well, don’t leave me in suspense! Who is it?”

Mona straightens her shoulders and looks squarely at Hanna. “It’s Paige McCullers.”

Hanna feels her brow furrow. “Emily’s Paige?”

“I prefer to think of her as my Paige, now,” Mona replies. “But yes. Same Paige.”

“Oh.” Hanna blinks a couple of times as she takes the news in. “That…that actually makes a lot of sense.”

“It does?”

“Yeah,” Hanna realizes. “I mean, you’re both smart and sort of…y’know…”

“Intense? Crazy?” Mona supplies.

“I was going to go with focused. How did it happen?”

“We ran into each other at a Roxane Gay book reading a few months ago,” Mona explains. “Paige moved to Philly when she got hired as the new assistant swim coach at U Penn.”

“Wow. Good for her,” Hanna remarks.

“We grabbed a drink, and I was just really—taken with her, I guess.” Mona is clearly trying to suppress her grin as she tells the story. “She was so confident. So self-aware. I thought maybe we’d sleep together and then I’d never see her again. But then we _didn’t_ end up sleeping together, and instead she asked me out on a second date. Like it was the easiest thing in the world. And from then on, it just kind of has been.”

“Are you in love with her?” Hanna asks.

“We haven’t had that conversation yet.”

“That doesn’t exactly answer my question,” Hanna points out.

Mona smirks. “You know, you’re already starting to sound like Spencer.”

Hanna feels herself flush. 

“Emily and Alison are gonna go on a warpath when they find out,” Mona mutters.

“Probably,” Hanna will allow. “But I promise I’ll be in your corner. I’m very happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Mona says softly. “That means a lot to me. And the same goes for you, where Spencer is concerned.”

Hanna’s stomach sloshes the way it always seems to when she thinks about Spencer these days. “Nothing’s even really happened.”

“Yet,” Mona adds. “The game’s not over. And you’d be surprised by how things can work out in the end.”


	10. We're Not Much Older Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a brief note: pretty much all of my knowledge of the way sex crimes are prosecuted comes from watching way too much Law & Order: SVU. Apologies if I got anything wrong. You can blame Dick Wolf.

The weird thing about change is that it’s hard until it isn’t, and then it’s not so much “change” as it is the new normal.

Mona somehow gets a popular YouTuber to feature Marin Designs on her channel, and before Hanna knows it the business is bigger than ever. Mona helps get a studio set up in Philadelphia to compliment Hanna’s smaller space in Rosewood, and Hanna starts taking the train to Philly on the weekends that Caleb has Stella. She and Mona will work all day—Hanna designing, Mona setting up meetings with boutiques interested in carrying her line—and in the evenings they’ll go get drinks if they’re not too tired. Before long, Paige starts joining them.

“I haven’t told Emily and Ali, if you’re worried about that,” Hanna assures the two of them one night at Mona’s apartment. Hanna was dead on her feet after a long day, barely able to muster the energy for anything but the couch and take-out, so Paige picked them up from the studio with still-warm cheeseburgers in the backseat.

The past couple months have made Hanna realize that she really, really likes Paige.

“I don’t like keeping things from them, though,” Hanna continues.

“Have you told them about you and Spencer?” Mona retorts matter-of-factly. Paige raises an eyebrow. She learned that particular nugget of information a few weeks ago, after Hanna had one too many Cosmos. 

“Whatever,” Hanna mumbles around a bite of burger.

“I don’t want to put you in a bad situation,” Paige murmurs. “I know how close you guys are.”

“You should tell them about us,” Mona declares. “If you want to.”

“Really?” Hanna and Paige reply almost in unison.

“Yeah, what’s the worst that can happen?” Mona replies. “It’s not like we’re still in high school. Ali will probably be glad to hear we ended up together, honestly.”

Paige snorts. “Loser Mona and Pigskin.”

“Far away from Alison and her precious Emily,” Mona remarks.

Hanna shakes her head. They don’t seem as bitter as the words would imply. More rueful than anything. “Ali’s not like that anymore.”

“I know,” Paige replies, putting an arm around Mona. “We’re not like that anymore, either.”

So Hanna tells Emily and Alison—not about her and Spencer, but about Mona and Paige—and Emily freaks out for a few minutes until Hanna shows her a picture she took of the two of them a few weeks ago. Mona is trying to help Paige as she struggles into one of the pleather crop tops Hanna’s featuring in her new line. It’s a ridiculous photo, but they both have huge smiles on their faces.

“They’re happy,” Hanna tells her. “You know Mona. She takes care of the people she loves. And she loves Paige.”

Ali, who’s been oddly silent through this conversation, nods sagely. “I suppose that’s all that matters.”

“Maybe so,” Emily concedes, and then just like that, it’s done.

The months tick by. Hanna and Stella start having dinner at Emily and Ali’s place a few times a week, which Grace and Lily love. They adore Stella, treating her as another sister, and soon the phrase “the girls” starts to refer to all three of them. On Grace and Lily’s third birthday, they insist that Stella gets her own cake. Hanna returns the favor when Stella turns two.

Hanna signs up for a cooking class with her mom, figuring that it’s never too late to learn a new skill, and as much as she loves take-out, she’d like to be able to cook for her daughter. More than that, though, she loves getting to spend time with her mom and actually talk honestly, rather than avoiding the truth like a plague.

The same can’t quite be said where Spencer is concerned. They’re talking regularly, but it still feels like there’s so much unsaid. And Spencer, who’s finished law school and gotten an entry-level job at a firm in D.C., is so busy that they never have enough time. Hanna is proud of her, but she misses her terribly.

She misses Aria too, who’s been back and forth between Rosewood and Boston and Philly for the last year, writing articles for a few different online magazines but mostly staying focused on this Ezra situation. 

One day Hanna gets a call from her. Ezra was arrested a few days ago, but he’s got good lawyers. Good enough that he was out on bail by the afternoon. There was enough evidence to make an arrest, but possibly not enough for a conviction. And if he does get convicted, he’ll probably get off easy.

“They need more evidence,” Aria tells her.

“Evidence? Like...old condoms?”

“Evidence like other girls,” Aria says softy.

Hanna sighs. Aria sounds so broken already. So exhausted by this entire situation. And it hasn’t even gone to court yet. “What do you need?” Hanna asks.

The answer is time. The district attorney’s office just doesn’t have the man-hours to comb over every young woman Ezra Fitz might have come into contact with. 

“Spencer’s already threatened Hackett with a subpoena,” Aria explains. “He folded like a lawn chair and handed over all the transcripts he has on Ezra and his former students.”

Hanna feels a chill go up her spine. “Spencer’s in town?”

“Yeah,” Aria replies. “She was my first call.”

Hanna gets that. Spencer would be her first call, too. 

“I’m surprised she didn’t tell you,” Aria continues. “Anyway, I was hoping you guys could go over them together. I have to stay in Philly through the end of the week, but the lawyers say the sooner the better.”

Emily and Alison are out of town, Hanna remembers. Pam is with Grace and Lily for the weekend so Em and Ali can belatedly celebrate their two-year wedding anniversary. 

It’s been over two years since they got married. Which means over two years since the lake house.

Two years since she last saw Spencer.

“Hanna?” Aria prompts. “Do you think that’s something you could do?”

Caleb has Stella tonight. Hanna doesn’t even have a kid buffer. It will literally be just her and Spencer, all alone.

But that’s doesn't really matter. Aria needs them.

“Yeah,” she replies, trying to keep her voice from shaking. “I can do it."

\--

Hanna calls Spencer right away. “You accuse me of not communicating,” she says, aiming for casual. “But look who snuck back into town without a word.”

“I should’ve predicted word would get around,” Spencer mutters. “Wanna come to the barn and help me sort through transcripts?”

“Is that your version of ‘Netflix and chill’? Because if so, it needs work.”

“I’ve got beer,” Spencer offers.

Hanna smiles to herself. “Well in that case, I’ll be over in twenty. And I’m bringing pizza.”

She spends a good ten minutes debating what to wear, and then feels stupid for it. This is _Spencer._  Who has seen Hanna in pajamas since they were kids. Who has held Hanna’s hair as she’s puked and wiped tears and dirt and blood off of Hanna’s face more than once. There’s no reason to obsess. 

But also, it’s _Spencer_. Who Hanna has been thinking about for what feels like a lifetime.

Nobody ever said having feelings for your best friend was simple.

Hanna finally settles on jeans and a loose T-shirt, though she’s still fidgeting with the outfit by the time she arrives at the barn with a pizza in hand. Spencer answers in the middle of the first knock, like she might have been waiting by the door. 

Hanna feels herself go a little breathless when she opens it.

“Hi,” Spencer says.

“Hi,” Hanna echoes, aware that her eyes are probably opened way too wide.

Spencer stares at her for another second before motioning to take the pizza box. Hanna hands it over, and Spencer sets it on a side table and then pulls Hanna in for a hug. Hanna hugs her back tightly, her eyes filling with tears as she catches a whiff of Spencer’s perfume.

It’s been _so long._

“I missed you.” Spencer’s voice is muffled by Hanna’s hair, but Hanna thinks it sounds a little tearful.

“I know. Me too.” Hanna squeezes Spencer closer before pulling back. She wants to stay close, to hold Spencer’s hand or lean into her side or maybe just keep hugging her forever. But she's not sure if that’s okay, so instead she nods over toward the couch.

“It’s so good to see you,” Spencer murmurs as they sit down, already popping the tops off of two beer bottles. She hands one to Hanna. “I mean, I know we’ve been talking—”

“But this is different,” Hanna supplies.

“Yeah,” Spencer agrees. She holds Hanna’s gaze for another moment before glancing away. “Well. We should get into this.” 

Hanna surveys the big boxes of files surrounding the coffee table. It’s a sobering sight, suddenly reminding her of the real reason she came here. “Right.”

An hour later, half of the pizza is gone and Hanna is starting to feel more relaxed as she finishes her second beer. Still, they haven’t made much progress. Spencer’s been looking over Ezra’s education and employment history while Hanna’s been working through the students of Rosewood High, but so far they haven’t found anything out of the ordinary.

“There’s gotta be something,” Spencer grumbles. “I mean, a guy like that doesn’t just come out of the woodwork to seduce two teenage girls.”

“This is a totally messed up thing to say, but it would be easier if he and Ali _had_ had sex,” Hanna recognizes.

“You’re right,” Spencer murmurs.

Hanna looks over a few more transcripts until her eyes start to cross. “I need a break.” She flexes her feet forward on the rug. They pushed the coffee table out of the way and have been camped out on the floor, with file folders strewn everywhere.

Spencer sets down the papers she was sorting through and tips her head back against the couch seat. She closes her eyes briefly before turning her head toward Hanna. “If I had to do this with anyone, I’m glad it’s you.”

Hanna feels warmth pool in her belly. “Me too. But, uh, I was kind of nervous to see you,” she confesses.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Spence.”

Spencer straightens her posture. “I still haven’t told any of them about what happened at the lake house. Have you?”

Hanna shakes her head. “I don’t know what I’d say.” She twists her fingers together. “Do you think about it?”

“Which part?”

“Any of it. All of it.”

Spencer sighs. “Yeah, I think about it. I think about how shitty I felt when you left.”

Hanna looks down. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I don’t say that to blame you,” Spencer explains. “It’s more like, I felt guilty. I didn’t want to ruin your life, or Caleb’s. Or Stella’s, for that matter.”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Hanna assures her.

Spencer is quiet for a second, before continuing, “And then sometimes I think about the kiss itself. How I felt before I pulled away.”

“How did you feel?” Hanna asks, a little breathless.

“All I could think to myself was ‘Finally,’” Spencer says. “And now it’s all this time later, and still…”

“Still what?”

“I think about it every day, Han,” Spencer murmurs. “I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t get _you_ out of my head. I’ve tried—I’ve gone on dates with people. Guys who should be my type. Even some women, too. But it’s not worth the time and energy. Not when you’re the person I’m thinking about the entire time.”

Hanna swallows, hard. It’s just about everything she’s imagined hearing for months and months. Somewhere in this conversation her body turned to more directly face Spencer, though she doesn’t remember it happening. Her eyes trace over Spencer’s eyes, her nose, her mouth. Like she’s trying to commit this moment to memory, catalog it before she has the chance to make any more mistakes.

“What are we going to do?” she asks Spencer.

“I don’t know,” Spencer replies. “What do you want to do?”

 _I want to kiss you_ , Hanna thinks. _I want to be with you. I don’t ever want you to go away again. I’m tired of missing you._

But what about tomorrow? What about Spencer’s job and Emily and Ali and Aria, poor Aria, counting on them to make something happen? What about Stella? What if Hanna isn’t ready?

“I feel those things too,” Hanna admits. “But I think right now, we have to focus on this.”

Spencer studies her for another second and then nods. “Yeah, we do. You’re absolutely right.”

“That doesn’t mean—”

“I know,” Spencer interjects. Not like she’s hurt. Like she gets it.

They work for a few more hours, though the search turns out to be fruitless. It’s quiet between them, even silent for long stretches, but not in a way that’s uncomfortable. It’s actually kind of comforting. Just the knowledge that Spencer’s beside her makes Hanna feel better.

Hanna doesn’t remember falling asleep, but when she wakes up there’s a pillow under her head and a blanket over her legs. Spencer is in the kitchen, filling the barn with the smell of coffee and toast. She smiles when she sees Hanna, and wishes her good morning.


	11. Blood On My Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so overdue! I hope to have a much shorter gap before the next update. Thanks for reading!

The plan was for the four of them—Hanna, Spencer, Ali and Em—to all be in Philadelphia to support Aria on day one of the trial.

But, of course, nothing ever goes according to plan. Grace and Lily pick up a stomach bug from preschool that sends the entire DiLaurentis-Fields household into a tailspin. On the way to the train station Hanna calls Alison, who reports that Emily’s head is currently in the toilet.

Which means that it’s just Spencer and Hanna bracketing Aria in the courtroom as they listen to Ezra’s attorney lay out his opening statement. The three of them weren’t able to find any extra dirt, despite hours of research, and the state’s attorney regretfully informed Aria that the trial would have to go on. “Don’t give up hope, though,” he apparently assured her. “And keep digging. You never know what might turn up.”

Now, though, Hanna shifts on the uncomfortable bench, watching Aria watch the lawyer. Aria’s been pretty quiet today, insisting that she’s alright, but Hanna notices her jaw tighten as the lawyer repeatedly refers to Ezra as a “respected member of the community.” The third time he utters the phrase, Spencer loudly scoffs, earning a glare from the judge.

Hanna is pointedly _not_ looking at Ezra, who she’s sure is sitting smugly in his ill-fitting suit. It’s weird, being back in a courtroom. Hanna’s already spent way too much of her life here. At her mom’s trial. At Alison’s. Nearly at her own. It’s like no matter how far she gets, no matter how much she thinks she’s grown up, she ends up right back where she started. She’s in high school again, back to keeping secrets and looking over her shoulder and feeling awkward around her crush.

Well, not entirely awkward. More like heavy. Tense. Hanna hasn’t really had a chance to talk to Spencer since that night back at the barn. But she also hasn’t exactly been seeking out opportunities for the two of them to be alone since then.

The day feels like a football game, with so many stops and starts and lots of boring information that doesn’t mean anything to Hanna. She tries to follow along, but her brain is mush by midday, and she’s the first one out of her seat when the judge announces that the trial will resume tomorrow. 

As they file out of the courtroom, Hanna notices someone who looks an awful lot like Jason DiLaurentis exiting in front of them, but the guy is gone before she can get a good look.

“Good day?” she prompts Aria. “Or, good as can be expected?”

“I don’t know,” Aria says quietly.

“It was good,” Spencer reassures them. “Even though we just heard from the defense team, I can already tell that the jury doesn’t like Ezra. That’s a positive sign.”

Hanna can’t tell if Spencer actually believes that or is only trying to comfort Aria, but that’s the magic of Spencer: her ability to commit herself so fully to something that no one would dare to think otherwise.

“I need a drink,” Aria sighs as they make their way down the courthouse steps. The fresh air feels crisp and wonderful, even though Hanna’s legs are a little shaky.

“I’ll buy the first round,” Hanna offers. “And the second and third and seventeenth.”

Spencer’s phone beeps and she grimaces as she checks it.

“What’s wrong?” Hanna asks.

“Work crisis,” Spencer reports, still staring down at her phone. “This big conference call that was supposed to happen next week has to be happen way sooner. Like, _tonight_ sooner.”

“Seriously?” Aria mutters.

Spencer looks up at her guiltily. “I could try to reschedule…”

“No,” Aria insists. “There will be many opportunities for drinks in our future. Don’t ruin your career over a cocktail.”

“You should put that on a tote bag,” Hanna quips.

Spencer leans forward to give Aria a quick hug. “I’m calling the state’s attorney’s office tomorrow to see how he thinks we're doing."

“You don’t have to do that,” Aria murmurs.

Spencer rolls her eyes. “Of course I do. I’ll namedrop my mom and dad if I have to. I’m going to check in on the trial every day. And I’ll come back as soon as I can.” She offers Aria a small smile. “I want you to call if you need anything _._ And I mean anything.”

“I will,” Aria says.

“And _you_ ,” Spencer directs to Hanna. She’s smirking just a bit, but there’s something underneath it. A current of emotion vibrating at a frequency Hanna is certain only she and Spencer can feel. “You take care of this one tonight. She’s going to need it.”

“I’m on it," Hanna promises.

Spencer regards her for another second, her mouth ajar like there’s more she wants to say. But then she shakes her hand, squeezing Hanna’s shoulder before hustling down the walkway and out to her car.

Hanna watches her car until it’s out of sight.

\--

“Maybe it was a mistake,” Aria says into her drink. They’re on their third round of vodka tonics, but the somber mood of the day is still firmly in place.

“What was a mistake?” Hanna asks. “Filing the report?”

Aria shrugs. “Yeah. I mean, what’s even going to happen? Ezra will probably just get a slap on the wrist, and I will have spent months torturing myself over nothing. Could be years! We don’t know how long this could go on for.”

Hanna puts a hand on Aria’s back. They managed to find a mostly quiet booth in the back corner of the restaurant. Neither one of them felt like hanging with the celebratory crowd up at the bar.

“Don’t talk like that,” Hanna tells Aria. “Look, I know this is hard. But you’re not alone, and this was the right thing to do. The only mistake was Ezra’s. And that wasn’t even a mistake. It was, like, a huge, fucked up choice. And he needs to be held accountable for it.”

Aria stirs her drink. “Yeah.”

“And it might not just be you,” Hanna continues. “Think about that. By coming forward, you could be protecting other girls.” She strokes Aria’s back gently. “What you’re doing is really brave.”

“You’re not lying?”

Hanna shakes her head. “I don’t do that anymore.” She thinks of Spencer automatically, a mixture of excitement and guilt rushing through her body. Suddenly the thought of keeping this secret from Aria any longer feels completely wrong.

She takes a deep breath, her heart pounding. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

Aria looks up at her curiously. “What is it?”

“I—Spencer and I—we,” Hanna stammers. “We sort of—have feelings for one another.”

Aria’s eyes widen. “ _Feelings_ feelings?”

“ _Feelings_ feelings,” Hanna confirms. “Friend feelings. Romantic feelings. All the feelings. Well, maybe not _all_ the feelings—we haven’t exactly talked about it but there’s definitely something there and—”

“Hanna,” Aria cuts in. “Slow down.”

Hanna exhales. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. When did this happen?”

“A while ago,” Hanna says softly. “Before Caleb and I split.”

“You guys didn’t—”

“No, we didn’t have an affair. Not a full-on one, anyway. I thought about it, though. And we did kiss. At the lake house.” Hanna feels like the words are spilling out all on their own, like she’s entirely powerless to stop them.

Aria clicks her tongue. “That’s why you left in such a hurry.”

“Yeah,” Hanna breathes. “And then we didn’t see each other after that until the night you asked us to look through those files.”

“How was it to see her again?”

“Amazing,” Hanna replies. “And awful.” She props her head on her hands. “Everything is so complicated.”

“What’s complicated?” Aria asks. 

Hanna raises both eyebrows at her. 

“I’m serious,” Aria continues. “You’re single, she’s single. You trust each other with your lives. You’ve been through all the same things together. No one understands you better.”

“I have a kid,” Hanna points out. “I just got through a divorce. And we lives in different states!”

“Oh, D.C. isn’t even a state,” Aria dismisses. “Besides, none of that stuff matters if you love the person.”

“That’s what I used to think. But Caleb and I loved each other, and look how that turned out. It’s easy to be all gooey and romantic about love, but what people never tell you is that it takes work to make it last.”

Aria narrows her eyes. “Do you love Spencer?”

Hanna stares into her drink. “Of course I love Spencer.”

“Han. You get what I mean. Are you in love with her?”

Hanna knows the answer. It’s not exactly a shocking revelation. She’s felt it in her gut, deep and almost instinctual. The way she knew on some level when she was pregnant that Stella was going to be a girl. She hasn’t been certain about much these past couple years, especially where Spencer is concerned. But for better or worse, Hanna is finally certain about the depth of her feelings for her.

“Yes,” Hanna replies. “I’m in love with her.”

“Then that’s that,” Aria announces. “You have your answer. Don’t throw away a second chance for happiness.” She raises her drink, smiling a little sadly. “God knows we don’t get many of those.”


	12. What Would Life Be Like

Hanna is there for Aria as much as she can be, but the longer the trial goes on, the harder it becomes to make the day trips up to Philadelphia. She and Emily and Alison and Spencer try to go in shifts, which is easier said than done, especially with three kids in the mix.

By the time the trial is closing in on a month, Aria has insisted that they give her some space, for all of their sakes. “I appreciate it, I really do,” she says. “But you guys are taking time off work, and that just makes me feel more pressure for everything to turn out okay.”

So Hanna follows instructions. She backs off. She still calls at least once a day, still has a news alert for the trial set up on her work cell, personal cell, iPad and laptop. But she has to admit, not being quite so immersed in the muck that is Ezra Fitz feels good, at least temporarily. It gives her time to focus on other important things in her life, like work, but mostly Stella.

Stella is two-and-a-half and talking up a storm. She suddenly seems like such a little girl, full of ideas and expressions all her own. She’s developed a bizarre love of and fascination with reptiles, which Hanna cannot for the life of her understand. She’s inherited Hanna’s sweet tooth and Caleb’s ability to bargain, easily able to con dessert out of Hanna after only a bite or two of her vegetables. Stella isn’t shy, which Hanna admires about her. She likes meeting new people, will happily show them her skinned knee or give them a sticker out of her special collection.

Hanna doesn’t know how, but she’s pretty sure she hit the jackpot with this kid.

One rainy morning the two of them are home, considering how to spend the day. Or, more accurately, Stella keeps chanting, “Zoo!” and Hanna is debating whether or not she can spend another afternoon listening to the nasally-voiced announcer explain the life cycle of a tarantula.

Being Stella’s mom has really made her face her fear of things that crawl and slither.

She’s just about to cave to Stella’s demand when her phone starts to ring. Hanna grins automatically when she sees it’s Spencer. 

Things have been a little less awkward between the two of them since the start of Aria’s trial. Hanna thinks it forced them both to see the big picture, in a certain way. To realize that their friendship will always come first. So they’ve been talking more regularly again. It feels good. Better than good, if Hanna’s being honest.

“What are you guys doing today?” Spencer asks right off the bat.

Hanna frowns. “Why? Were you planning to swing by?” She means it as a joke, but the thought sends a brief thrill through her body.

“Well, yeah, actually. If you’re available,” Spencer says. “I’m in town.”

“You are? Why?”

“Ali and I needed to talk about the Lost Woods,” Spencer explains. “We’ve finally decided to sell it.”

“Wow. Good for you.” It isn’t really a surprise. Ever since moving back to D.C., Spencer’s been an owner in name only. And Hanna doesn’t blame Ali for wanting to shift a few responsibilities off her plate. Still, though, it’s the end of an era, and Hanna can’t help but worry that Spencer is further detaching herself from Rosewood.

“Anyway,” Spencer continues. “I had breakfast with my mom, but I’ve got the rest of the day free. And I thought maybe you and Stella would be up for a visit. But I can also—”

“Yes. We’d love to see you,” Hanna cuts in, aware that she sounds far too eager. She glances over at Stella, who’s currently singing a song she made up about snakes. “How do you feel about Ambrose Pavilion?”

\--

“It’s strange being back here,” Spencer remarks as they weave through the aisles of various reptile terrariums. “It’s also strange how calm you’re acting.”

Hanna smiles to herself. The last time they were here—the day they thought they’d planned a perfect trap for Ezra, when Hanna herself ended up feeling trapped in here with the various snakes and lizards—feels like a lifetime ago.

“Yeah, well. I guess I’ve grown up.”

Spencer nods toward Stella, who’s just up ahead, completely enraptured by a chameleon. “You sure have.”

“It’s funny how things change,” Hanna muses. “And also, not. If that makes any sense at all.”

Spencer chuckles. “Weirdly, that makes perfect sense.”

“Spencer!” Stella squeals, though it comes out more like _Sens-or_. “Do you like snakes? Mama hates snakes!”

“I don’t hate snakes,” Hanna protests. “I just prefer admiring them from a distance.”

“Like from the parking lot?” Spencer quips.

Stella laughs loudly, even if she doesn’t entirely get the joke. 

“I do like snakes,” Spencer continues. “As long as they’re in cages and not dressing rooms.”

Stella nods as though Spencer has passed a test. “C’mon!” she chirps. “Lemme show you my best one!”

 _Best one?_ Spencer mouths to Hanna.

“She means her favorite,” Hanna explains.

Stella grabs Spencer’s hand, tugging her down to the next aisle of terrariums. She points inside one, where some kind of scaly lizard creature is staring out at them. This one always creeps Hanna out the most, which only seems to fuel Stella’s adoration of it. Hanna usually keeps a fair amount of distance between herself and the glass, forcing an uneasy smile when Stella talks about how cool the lizard is. But Spencer goes right up to the glass alongside Stella, gamely commenting on the lizard’s scales and even slipping in some scientific facts that make Stella’s eyes go wide.

“Wow,” Stella breathes. “You know a lot!”

Hanna snorts. “You can say that again.” She turns to Spencer. “Why, exactly, do you know so much about reptiles?”

Spencer is quiet for a moment, before admitting, “I may have looked up a few things when you mentioned that Stella had an interest in this stuff.”

Hanna immediately feels her chest fill with warmth. “You did?”

“I did,” Spencer replies, clearly trying but failing to sound casual. “It’s not a huge deal. I always enjoy learning something new.”

“That’s really sweet, Spence.”

Spencer looks up at Hanna. She’s blushing slightly, and with her hair pulled back it’s visible all the way up her neck. Hanna is filled with the overwhelming desire to kiss her, and she’s also aware of how they likely appear, Spencer holding hands with a girl who’s the spitting image of Hanna. 

They look like a family.

Spencer clears her throat, directing her attention back to Stella. “I also heard that they added an alligator exhibit here last month!”

“I know!” Stella is beaming. “Daddy and I saw it, but Mama’s too scared.”

“Is that so?” Spencer asks, obviously amused.

“Please, Mama?” Stella begs. “I wanna see the alligator!”

Hanna smiles at the two of them. Maybe Aria was right. Suddenly all the things that felt so complicated seem a whole lot simpler.

“Okay,” she agrees. “But I’m still kind of freaked out.”

“Hold my hand!” Stella proclaims. “And Spencer can hold your other hand. And then you won’t be scared. Do it, Spencer!”

Spencer does as she’s told, letting go of Stella’s hand to take Hanna’s. Hanna tries to relax into the contact.

“How’s that?” Spencer asks, her voice a shade huskier than before.

“Better,” Hanna replies, squeezing Spencer and Stella’s hands tight like anchors. “I’m not afraid anymore.”

\--

That evening, Spencer joins Hanna and Stella for dinner at Ali and Em’s. It feels like old times. Hanna even texts Aria to see if she can make it, but she’s tied up in research and phone calls and has to decline.

Stella is ecstatic that Spencer is there, especially after a day that included Spencer talking the manager at Ambrose Pavilion into letting Stella help feed the alligator, and ended with Spencer purchasing Stella her very own stuffed alligator in the gift shop.

“Spencer is the best!” Stella announced when she and Hanna took a bathroom break. Hanna could only nod her head in agreement.

All three kids are exhausted, so they eat an early meal and get ready for bed, Stella taking the extra cot that Emily and Ali have graciously provided in Grace and Lily’s room. Stella announces that she wants Spencer to read the bedtime story, so Hanna backs out of the room after kissing her daughter goodnight. 

She makes her way downstairs to help get the grownup dinner started.

“They had a really fun time, huh?” Alison remarks, handing Hanna a stack of plates.

“Yeah,” Hanna replies. “Spence charmed the heck out of Stells.”

“Spence is good at that. Especially…”

She trails off, so Hanna prompts, “Especially what?”

Ali loads another cup into the dishwasher and then stands up, regarding Hanna squarely. “Han. You _know_. Spencer is kind of invested in making sure your kid likes her.”

Hanna swallows hard. “Has she talked to you?”

“Perhaps. But she didn’t really have to. Em and I put two and two together a while ago.”

Hanna blinks, feeling a little indignant. “Why didn’t either of you say anything?”

“It wasn’t our place. But you guys were talking so much, and then you were pointedly not talking. At first I thought you were fighting over Caleb, but then I realized you’d never let a boy get in the way like that. And you started talking to Em about how much you were missing Spencer—” Ali shrugs, like the rest is obvious. “Call it gaydar, or bi-dar, or whatever. We figured it out.”

“But Spencer _has_ talked to you?” Hanna presses.

Alison shakes her head. “I’m not saying a word about that.”

Hanna wants to ask more but she hears footsteps on the stairs, and then Spencer and Emily are in the kitchen with them. 

“They’re asleep,” Emily announces gratefully.

Spencer bumps her shoulder against Hanna’s. 

“What is it?” Hanna asks.

“Nothing. Just—I like your kid.”

“She likes you too,” Hanna says.

Spencer smiles softly, just as Alison produces a bottle of wine from the fridge. 

“Now it’s a party,” Hanna comments. She reaches behind her to get glasses, pulling four out of the cabinet.

"None for me," Emily says.

“C’mon, Em!” Hanna urges. “What about the Coven of the Sacred Cocktails?”

“When was the last time we were together like this?” Spencer adds. “It’s cause for a celebration!”

Emily and Alison share a significant look. 

“I do feel like celebrating,” Em says slowly. “Just not with alcohol.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve gone straight-edge on us,” Hanna mutters.

Emily rolls her eyes. “No, don’t worry. There’s still nothing straight about me. But…” She takes a deep breath. “I _am_ pregnant.”

Hanna lets out an excited shriek, then clamps a hand over her mouth. 

Spencer’s eyes go wide. “I didn’t even know you guys were trying!”

Emily grins, accepting a two-person hug from Spencer and Hanna. “We didn’t want to keep it a secret. But with everything going on with Han, and then Aria… There just wasn’t a perfect time, so we decided to wait.”

“And you feel ready for more kids?” Hanna asks.

“Believe it or not, we do,” Alison says, leaning into Emily’s side. “We want to have a chance to do it on our own terms. And with the twins in preschool, it feels like the right time.”

“Wow,” Hanna breathes. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

“Thank you,” Emily sighs, wiping a few tears from her eyes. “I wanted to tell you with Aria here, but…”

“It’s okay,” Spencer assures her. “Nothing ever goes according to plan.”

Ali chuckles. “You could say that again.”

Spencer is back besides Hanna, and on impulse Hanna takes her hand. She’s once again struck with how this would look from the outside: like two couples sharing an important moment together.

It sort of feels that way, too.

The four of them have a lovely dinner, sharing old stories and lots of laughter, and before Hanna knows it the clock is striking midnight. As Emily and Spencer clear the table, Ali suggests that Hanna and Spencer spend the night. “God knows we have the space for it,” she points out.

Hanna agrees; she’s too tired to protest. She falls asleep in Jason’s old room with all her clothes on, and when she wakes up, groggy and a little disoriented, she hears a voice outside her door. 

When she opens it Spencer is pacing the length of the hallway, talking on her cell phone.

“Take a deep breath,” she murmurs. “I can’t understand you. Are you okay?” When she catches Hanna’s eye, she winces apologetically and mouths, _Aria._

“Speakerphone,” Hanna whispers, waving Spencer into the bedroom. Spencer shuts the door behind them and switches the call to speakerphone.

“Aria, what’s wrong?” Hanna asks. “Did something happen with the trial?”

Aria lets out another tiny sob. She takes a few breaths and then hiccups, “Maggie came forward.”

“Maggie?” Spencer repeats. “As in, Ezra’s old girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” Aria confirms. “She heard about the story in the news. And so she contacted the state’s attorney and told them that she believes Ezra was involved with a thirteen-year-old girl when he was eighteen.”

“Oh my god,” Hanna gasps.

“She’d suppressed the memory, talked herself out of it,” Aria continues. “But the more she thought about it, the more she believed he’d been preying on this girl. So the research team—they found the girl. Except she’s a woman now. She’s—” Her voice fills with more tears. “She’s our age. And it was true.” 

Spencer locks eyes with Hanna. “What does this mean?” she asks.

“It’s too late to try that case,” Aria explains. “But the state’s attorney said it could be admissible in this one. At the very least, they could bring the woman or Maggie in as a character witness." She pauses, talking another loud breath. "So this morning Ezra took a plea deal. Five years in prison, plus probation.”

“Whoa,” Spencer mutters.

“It’s over,” Hanna realizes.

“Yeah,” Aria murmurs. “It’s over. And it isn’t enough, but it’s more than I thought he’d get. And now I don’t have to testify.”

“That’s amazing,” Spencer says. “We’re so happy for you.”

“I _won_ ,” Aria says tearfully.

“You did,” Hanna affirms, feeling herself start to get a little misty. “Aria, you did it. You are so brave.”

“Do you want us to come out there?” Spencer asks.

“No,” Aria replies. “I’m okay. My mom is here. And…so is Jason.”

Hanna raises an eyebrow at Spencer, who looks like she’s about to make a comment. _Later_ , Hanna mouths, and Spencer relents.

“I’ll talk to you guys soon, okay?” Aria says.

“That sounds good,” Spencer says. “We love you.”

“And we’re proud of you,” Hanna adds.

“Wow.” Spencer shakes her head as she ends the call. “I gotta confess, I thought he was going to get away with it.”

“Me too,” Hanna admits. They’re sitting side-by-side on the bed, and Hanna is very aware that any minute Stella will probably come barreling in to announce that she’s starving. 

But for now, it’s just the two of them.

“What happens now?” she asks.

“Well, Ezra will go to prison,” Spencer says. “And hopefully he won’t get out on good behavior, though guys like him usually do.” She slides her gaze over to Hanna. “You weren’t asking about that, were you?”

“No,” Hanna replies, realizing that she really wasn’t. 

Spencer sighs, covering Hanna’s hand with her own. “I guess I don’t have the answer.”

“That makes two of us.” Hanna flips her hand over, intertwining their fingers.

“ _But_ ,” Spencer says deliberately. “We’ll have time to figure it out. Because I'm moving back to Rosewood.”

Hanna feels her heart fly into her throat. “What?”

Spencer nods. “I’m going to work at my mom’s office. I finalized the deal with her this morning. And part of the reason Ali and I are selling the Lost Woods is so I can buy a place.”

“Why?”

“ _Hanna,_ ” Spencer whispers, looking at her with so much warmth and intensity that Hanna feels like the only person in the universe. She’s rendered speechless by Spencer’s expression, yet she still has a million questions. 

The moment is broken by the door opening. “Mama!” Stella exclaims, launching herself onto the bed between them. “Hi Spencer! I’m happy you’re still here.”

“Yeah,” Spencer says, clearing her throat. She pulls her hand away so she can hug Stella, but she keeps her eyes on Hanna. “I’m happy I'm here, too.”


	13. Breathe Salvation Back Into Me

Alison and Spencer find a buyer for the Lost Woods much faster than expected. 

“It’s a sign,” Aria tells Hanna.

“A sign of what?”

Aria sighs. “I'm not sure. Maybe a sign that things are actually going according to plan. That the universe is finally ready for us to be happy.”

Alison decides to throw a “final-hurrah-to-the-Lost-Woods-slash-Ezra’s going to jail” party. At first it’s just going to be the five of them staying overnight, but then Aria asks if she can bring Jason, and in a spirit of uncharacteristic graciousness, Ali suggests that Hanna invite Mona and Paige.

“You’re not going to dump pig’s blood on them, are you?” Hanna asks as she and Ali wash the dinner dishes one night.

Ali flicks water at her. “This is part of growing up, right?” she muses. “Besides, I’m curious about how they are around each other.”

“They’re really cute. Like, it’s kind of gross how cute they are.”

“Cuter than me and Em?”

Hanna rolls her eyes, but Alison is grinning.

So Hanna extends the invitation, and she thinks for two minutes about inviting Caleb as well before deciding that she doesn’t need the extra stress. Especially if she’s already going to be running interference between her various couple friends.

Instead, she calls Caleb to ask if he can watch Stella that night. He surprises her by requesting that they can meet for lunch. 

Hanna approaches the afternoon with mild dread. Things have been good between them, finally moving out of the polite stage and into the genuinely comfortable one. But neither one of them has made an effort to interact any more than is strictly necessary. Why would Caleb want to meet just the two of them, all of a sudden?

Hanna drops Stella off with her mom, and when she arrives at the restaurant Caleb is already there. He’s folding and unfolding his napkin, a nervous habit that she recalls from their various failed pre-divorce date nights.

“I was going to order for you,” Caleb says as she sits down. “But I wasn’t sure what you wanted.”

Hanna offers him a small smile. “I’m still the same person, you know.” When he looks slightly chagrined, she adds, “I appreciate you not assuming.”

Caleb still hasn’t told Hanna why they’re here by the time their food has arrived. He asks about work, about Emily and Alison, even about Mona. 

Finally, Hanna has had enough. “I have to be somewhere by five,” she tells him, stabbing her lettuce with a fork. “And I know you didn’t ask me here to find out which Instagram celeb is wearing one of my jackets to the Teen Choice Awards. Say what you need to say.”

Caleb sets his sandwich down and clears his throat. “Okay. I did want to talk to you about something important. It’s just a little hard.”

Hanna tries to keep her face neutral, even as her mind starts spinning. He’s going to ask them to get back together. He’s going to tell her he’s moving, and try to convince her to come with with. He’s going to say that he’s been talking to her mom about how good they were together, or he’s going to pull a ring out of his pocket and—

“I met someone,” Caleb says. 

Hanna immediately relaxes. “You did?”

Caleb nods tensely. “Yeah. We’ve been seeing each other for a while, but it’s starting to get serious. And in the interest of transparency, I thought I should tell you.”

“Tell me about her,” Hanna instructs, trying to ease Caleb’s obvious discomfort with her tone. Then she considers her own current situation, and adds, “Or him?”

“Her,” Caleb confirms. “Well, she’s really cool. She works in the PR division of the company. She’s funny and smart, and she keeps me on my toes. She plays guitar and sings—” He cuts himself off and rubs a hand over the back of his neck, embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“You can gush,” Hanna assures him. “I asked. She sounds amazing. What’s her name?”

“Natalie. Nat. She grew up completely different from you and I, in this big, happy family.”

“Have you met them?” 

“I’ve met her parents,” Caleb says. “They’re smart, too. Professors. But really warm, and they seem to like me.” He looks back down at the table. “Han, we both want her to meet Stells. And I’d like you to meet her, too.”

“I’d love to,” Hanna says, surprised by how much she means it. She searches herself for feelings of jealousy or betrayal or even annoyance, but she can’t find any. Mostly, she just feels happy for Caleb.

“And you’re okay with her meeting Stells?”

“I am,” Hanna promises. “I appreciate you running it by me first, though.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t do that to either of you. But I feel like this might be it.”

“She’s the one?”

“Maybe,” he replies, but Hanna thinks he’s fairly certain. He exhales, clearly feeling better having gotten that off his chest. “What about you? Have you been dating?”

Hanna shakes her head. “No, I haven’t. I mean…not exactly.”

“Not exactly?”

Hanna takes a sip of her water, setting it down slowly. She forces herself to look Caleb in the eyes, simply saying, “There’s Spencer.”

Caleb nods knowingly. “Ah.”

“Nothing’s happened,” she tells him, though that refrain of hers is starting to feel less and less true.

“But you want it to,” he supplies. When she doesn’t reply, he adds, “I get it. Obviously. Spencer is an incredible person. And you two have been through everything together.”

“You don’t seem mad,” Hanna notes. “Or surprised.”

“I’m not.” Caleb shrugs. “Maybe it’s like a puzzle. It took some time, but eventually we figured out how the pieces were supposed to fit together.”

\--

Despite everyone’s repeated assurance of no hard feelings, Hanna anticipated a scene at the Lost Woods. How could there not be? Between Paige and Alison, Mona and Spencer, it seemed inevitable. 

But as the sun sets, all the guests seems to be more or less in a good mood. Alison is distributing glasses of champagne while Emily turns on the twinkly lights. It’s damn near idyllic.

Hanna hovers by the food table, grazing on shrimp puffs and trying not to stare at Spencer. She’s been at the Lost Woods a few times since Aria and Ezra’s rehearsal dinner, but always during the day, and never as a guest. She can’t help but think about that night right now, about how much things have changed. 

Especially when observing Alison and Paige, who actually appear to be having a civil interaction.

“Quite a sight, huh?” Mona murmurs, coming to stand beside Hanna with a champagne flute in hand. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“You’re telling me.” Hanna can’t help but glance back at Spencer, who’s having a conversation with Jason. Or, Spencer is conversing. Jason is staring moony-eyed at Aria while she snaps pictures of the entire group from the corner.

“You realize that you’re out of excuses,” Mona points out.

“Excuses?”

“If you thought we’d distract you all night with our drama, it’s not going to happen,” Mona continues. She nods toward Spencer. “No time like the present.”

Hanna sighs. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re relentless?”

Mona smiles. “Mmm hmm. It’s what makes Paige and I such a good match.”

“What’s this about us being a good match?” Paige asks, sidling up to wrap her arms around Mona’s midsection.

Hanna frowns. “Where’d Ali go?” 

“Not sure,” Paige replies. “Motel business, I guess.”

“You two seemed to be having a good talk,” Mona remarks.

“We did,” Paige confirms.

Mona seems to look past Hanna at something, then touches a hand to her forehead. 

“Ouch,” she mutters.

“What is it?” Paige asks.

“I have a headache,” Mona says. “It just started coming on.” She starts massaging her temples vigorously. “Han, do you think you could grab me an Advil? It’s in our room, Room 2.”

Hanna raises an eyebrow. “Room 2, huh?”

Mona shrugs. “Ali’s always had a thing for narrative symmetry.”

“Babe, I can grab you an Advil,” Paige offers.

Mona turns to look at her, eyes widening. “No, you can’t,” she says deliberately. “Because you have to help Aria with the pictures. _Remember?_ ”

Paige nods slowly. “Right. Aria. Pictures. I’ll, uh, go deal with that.” She pulls her arms away from Mona and heads off in the vague direction of Aria.

“Smooth,” Hanna comments.

“Advil?” Mona repeats.

Hanna rolls her eyes. “Sure, whatever.”

Mona grins, all signs of her headache seemingly gone. “Thanks!” She produces the room key from her bra and hands it to Hanna.

Hanna walks away from the small group, out from under the halo of the twinkly lights along the dark walkway leading to Room 2. She thinks about the first time she walked this path, all those years ago. She never would have imagined that she’d find herself here again after all this time.

The door is ajar when Hanna gets to it. She pushes it open slowly, gasping when she looks inside. The lights are off, but the room is completely filled with lit candles, probably a hundred of them, and the floor is covered in rose petals.

“Alison?” a voice calls out. Spencer walks out of the bathroom area. Hanna can see just enough of her face to note her confusion. 

“Nope, just me,” Hanna replies.

Spencer narrows her eyes. “Ali just told me to meet her here. She said she needed help moving something heavy.”

Hanna rolls her lips together in recognition. “Mona asked me to get her an Advil.”

Spencer snorts. “We should have known those two would be unstoppable if they’d just work together.” She glances at the scene around them. “They’re not winning any points for subtly, though.”

“That’s for sure.” Hanna bites her lip. “It is kind of romantic, though.”

Spencer gazes at Hanna softly. “I think that’s the idea.” She sits down on the bed—one of the only surfaces not covered in candles, though there are about a dozen rose petals strewn across it.

Hanna feels like her body is moving of its own accord as she sits beside Spencer.

“Y’know,” Spencer says, rubbing her hands on her knees. “One of the reasons Ali and I decided to take this place over was because we thought that it was finally time for something good to happen here. I mean, let’s face it, for the longest time, only awful things occurred here. Kidnappings. Secret lairs. This was like a motel run on secrets.”

“I think that’s partly why my mom bought the Radley,” Hanna replies. “She was trying to breathe new life into it, or something.”

“Exactly. But it’s easier said than done. I got busy, and so did Alison. And then we realized that we didn’t need this place in order to be close again.”

“Makes sense.”

Spencer nods. “I wonder if people are like that too. If we get so caught up in the terrible things that happen all the time that we start to miss out on the really good stuff staring us in the face. Or even when we do see it, we feel like we don’t deserve it.”

Hanna drops one hand down on the bed, stretching her pinky out until it’s curled around Spencer’s. “What kind of good stuff?” she asks.

Spencer looks down at their fingers, then back at Hanna’s face. The candlelight paints shadows across her skin, makes her eyes bright and burning and beautiful. 

It’s as close to a perfect moment as Hanna can imagine.

“I’m in love with you,” Hanna says, answering her own question. Spencer’s mouth forms a small O, and Hanna keeps talking, unable to hold the words back any longer. “I love you. And it’s not the way I used to. It’s so big, and it terrifies me, but I can’t pretend I don’t feel it anymore. I don’t want to pretend, ever again.”

“You want to be with me?”

“I want to be with you,” Hanna says, easy as breathing. “Do you want to be with me?”

“Yes,” Spencer replies, her eyes filling with tears. “I’m in love with you, Hanna.”

Hanna brushes Spencer’s bangs to the side, then lets her hand settle at Spencer’s cheek, rubbing a few stray tears beneath the pad of her thumb.

Spencer leans into the touch, kissing lightly at Hanna’s wrist. Hanna shudders at the feeling; it’s so much but also a million miles from enough.

It’s Spencer who finally closes the distance between them, pulling Hanna’s face close and kissing her. Hanna deepens the kiss, sliding one hand into Spencer’s hair and wrapping the other around her shoulders. 

Hanna kisses Spencer like she means it, like this is it, like she has no intention of ever letting her go again.

The way Spencer kisses back, Hanna doesn’t think she has any intention of ever letting her go again, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't usually assign actors to my OCs, but in my mind, Natalie is very clearly played by Aja Naomi King.


	14. The Greatest Weapon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! And we're back. Sort of. I was out of town, but Real Life is still pretty busy, so not sure how long until the next update. Hopefully a shorter wait than last time! Thanks for reading!

“If I don’t get up soon, I'm going to miss my train,” Spencer says, not making any move to get out of bed.

“Mmm,” Hanna hums, presses her nose against Spencer’s neck. “Five more minutes. That won’t kill you, right?”

“No,” Spencer replies. She slides both hands under the sheets and along Hanna’s naked back. “But _you_ might.” 

Hanna hooks a leg around Spencer’s hip, bringing their bodies even closer, skin pressed together at every juncture.

“ _God_ ,” Spencer breathes, closing her eyes.

“What?” Hanna bites her lip. She loves the effect she has on Spencer; loves knowing, after months and months of uncertainty, just how badly Spencer wants her back.

Spencer shakes her head as she opens her eyes. “This is amazing.” 

“ _You_ are amazing.”

“Mmm,” Spencer hums. “I seem to recall you saying that a number of times last night. And once or twice this morning.”

Hanna shoves Spencer’s shoulder playfully. “Yeah, like you weren’t enjoying yourself, too. I’m probably going to have to get extensions from how hard you were tugging on my hair!”

Spencer pats her head with concern. “Did I really hurt you?”

“Of course you didn’t,” Hanna says with an eye roll. “I…kind of liked it actually.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Spencer smirks, but it quickly turns into a glare as she looks over at the alarm clock on the nightstand. “Okay, I really do have to go. I need to be in D.C. by ten.”

“How long will you be gone, again?”

“At least until the eighth.”

“That’s almost three weeks!”

“I know,” Spencer says with regret. “But I have to meet with my landlord and get all of my stuff out, and then finish training my replacement, and my old boss wants to do an exit interview…” She sighs. “And all I want to do is stay in this bed with you.”

Hanna smiles, even though the thought of Spencer going away again for any length of time makes her heart hurt. “It’s not fair. I just got you, and now you’re leaving.”

“I’ll be back soon,” Spencer promises. “And then we get to figure out what comes next.”

“Like where you’re going to live, for starters.”

“I’ve got the barn. It’s cozy.”

“You can’t make a home there, though,” Hanna points out.

“One thing at a time,” Spencer murmurs, dropping a kiss to Hanna’s cheek before pulling her body away and sitting up to stretch. A few stray rose petals flutter to the ground as she glides out of bed, completely naked.

Hanna watches her intently, not even trying to pretend that she isn’t. Spencer turns around and grins, propping a hand on her hip.

“You’re really hot,” Hanna says simply.

Spencer bats her eyelashes like an actress in an old movie. “Why, thank you. You’re not so bad yourself, Hanna Banana.”

Hanna wrinkles her nose. “That nickname is like the antidote of sexy talk.”

“ _Antithesis_ ,” Spencer corrects gently. “Actually, antidote kind of works too.” She tugs on her underwear and jeans, picking up a couple of candles along the way that got knocked over last night—thankfully, after being blown out. “So, do you think they’re waiting outside the door?”

“Maybe. I just hope they weren’t waiting for us to come back last night.” Hanna frowns. “Wait, where did Mona and Paige sleep?”

“Oh, you know Mona. This was just a decoy room. All part of her master plan.”

“Well,” Hanna replies, crawling toward the edge of the bed to pull Spencer in for a kiss. “This is one plan of hers I can totally get behind.”

\--

To their credit, Hanna and Spencer’s friends are not waiting outside the door. All of them are in the Lost Woods lobby, drinking coffee and munching on donuts, when Spencer and Hanna walk in hand-in-hand.

“Good morning, ladies,” Mona says with a huge grin, marching over with two paper cups and what looks to be a satchel of pastries. “Han, I got three cheese danishes for you. Thought you might be hungry.”

Spencer rolls her eyes but Hanna merely accepts the bag with a small, “Thank you.”

Emily raises an eyebrow at Hanna, and when Hanna nods in reply she notices Em squeezing Ali’s hand.

“Well,” Ali murmurs. “About time.”

“About time for what?” Jason asks.

“I’ll explain later,” Aria tells him, patting his chest. 

Paige offers Hanna a not-at-all subtle thumbs up, which makes her laugh. And then it’s like even though everything has changed, nothing is different at all.

\--

It’s kind of stupid how much Hanna misses Spencer. They spent a whole two years apart—surely less than a month shouldn’t make a difference. 

But it does, and down deep, Hanna knows why. Those two years were plagued with guilt and confusion. Hanna wanted Spencer in some new, terrifying way but had no idea what to do with that want.

And now she _does_ know what to do with it; she knows that it’s love and that Spencer feels it too. Which makes the distance feel that much crueler.

“I get it. After Ali and I finally got together, I hated being away from her,” Emily assures her as they talk it over during the girls’ dance class. Stella’s a few months shy of the age restriction, but Alison pulled a few strings and got her admitted. Stella loves the class, especially since she gets to spend more time with Grace and Lily. 

“It’s not just that, though,” Hanna says. “I’ve been thinking about the future.”

“And?”

Hanna runs a hand through her hair. “I want Stella to feel like she has a family.”

“She _does_ have a family,” Emily points out. “She has a whole lot of it, as a matter of fact.”

“I know. But it’s like—I’m so sure about Spencer. There’s no one else I can imagine being with, ever.”

“So, what are you saying?” Emily asks. “You want to…marry Spencer, or something? Even for queer girls, that’s moving pretty fast.”

Hanna shakes her head. “No, I don’t. But I don’t want to just stand still with her, either.”

“Han, take it from me. Sometimes standing still can feel really nice.”

Stella is starving after dance class, so Hanna drives them to the little Mexican place off Main Street that serves their favorite chicken quesadillas. She takes the scenic route home, guessing that Stella will snooze in the car. 

Hanna drives along a few residential streets that she hasn’t explored before. Usually the houses of Rosewood look huge and imposing to her, like the estates in an old novel that Spencer would love. But tonight they seem warm and inviting, the well-kept gardens looking lush under the glow of porch lights. A number of homes have basketball hoops in the driveway, and one has a pink bicycle with training wheels attached. The curtains to that house are open, and even from the street Hanna can catch a glimpse of the family inside, watching TV.

The realization hits Hanna like a lightening bolt. This was never the life she imagined with Caleb. But she can see, so clearly, a future like this with Spencer and Stella. 

The three of them making breakfast on Saturday mornings and watching a movie together in the evenings. Sunday trips to Philly, Stella going shopping with Spencer while Hanna works at her studio. Hanna getting up early on weekdays to make lunch for Spencer and Stella, kissing them at the door before Spencer drives Stella to school and then goes off to work herself.

Hanna shivers and keeps driving. The inevitability of this future should feel scary, but it doesn’t, not really. It feels right, and kind of exciting. She doesn’t need to rush it, but she knows that it’s there.

That night, Hanna sleeps better than she has in months, her dreams filled with everything that’s yet to come.


	15. Come Near and Give You (Part One)

Hanna is there to pick Spencer up at the train station in Philly, the backseat of her car filled with bags of lukewarm takeout from Sarno’s. Spencer’s train is two hours late, and every minute that ticks by feels like an eternity. And then suddenly she appears in the parking lot, seemingly out of nowhere, with two giant suitcases dragging behind her and three backpacks hanging off her arms. She looks exhausted and more than a little pissed off.

“First of all, I’m not moving in, don’t worry. I’ll get this stuff over to the barn tomorrow. Also, I’m pretty sure I have grounds to sue the conductor. That train was a _nightmare_ ,” Spencer announces as she approaches the car, and Hanna can only laugh, because of course that’s how Spencer would say hello. 

“Hey there,” Hanna says softly, opening the trunk and starting to lift one of the bags.

Spencer lets the backpacks drop to the ground and taps Hanna on the arm. Hanna turns to face her.

“Let me try that again,” Spencer murmurs, her voice sounding extra husky. She pulls Hanna close, sliding her palms into the back pockets of Hanna’s jeans and kissing her deeply. 

It’s an end-of-movie kiss, like the kind Hanna used to obsess over when she was a teenager. She’s completely breathless when they pull apart.

“Fuck, I missed you,” Hanna sighs.

Spencer chuckles. “We’re lucky there aren’t any teenage boys in this lot, or else we’d probably be on Snapchat already.”

“C’mon,” Hanna urges. “Let’s go home.” 

Spencer doesn’t comment on Hanna’s use of that word as they finish loading up her bags. On the drive back to Rosewood, they hold hands over the center console. 

Spencer is half-asleep by the time they get to the loft, and once they get the bags inside she plops down on the couch and sleepily blinks at her container of pasta.

“I think it’s time for bed,” Hanna suggests.

“No, I’m fine,” Spencer insists. “Just give me a minute.”

Hanna presses a kiss to her temple. “You kinda look like a zombie.” When Spencer scowls at her, she adds, “A totally hot zombie, don’t get me wrong. But a zombie nonetheless.”

Spencer lets herself be tugged in the direction of Hanna’s room. Hanna doesn’t bother pawing through Spencer’s bag for pajamas, she just pulls a sweatshirt out of her own drawer and hands it to Spencer.

“I was going to ravish you,” Spencer bemoans around a yawn as the two of them climb in bed.

“That’s okay, honey,” Hanna promises. “You can ravish me in the morning.”

\--

Hanna wakes up in an empty bed, and for one terrifying second she thinks Spencer is actually gone before she registers the sound of someone moving around in the kitchen. She pulls on a pair of sweatpants and heads in the direction of the noise.

Spencer is wearing Hanna’s sweatshirt but her legs are bare, and she’s measuring coffee into the French press. Hanna smiles at the sight. 

“Good morning,” she greets, leaning her hip against the counter.

Spencer grins back. “Good morning, indeed. I figured since I fell asleep on you last night, I could at least get the coffee started.”

“Always the way to a woman’s heart.”

“Mmm hmm.” 

Hanna frowns. “Is today the ninth?”

“It sure is. Why?” Spencer dusts her hands off and moves so that she’s right next to Hanna, their sides touching.

“Stella is meeting Caleb’s new girlfriend today,” Hanna says.

“Oh?”

Hanna nods. “Yeah. He asked if I wanted to be there, but I thought we should meet her separately, so we’re having dinner next week. And, um…” She looks at Spencer shyly. “You could come to that dinner too, if you’d like.”

Spencer quirks an eyebrow. “That would seem to imply that I’m, y’know. Going to be around for the long haul.”

“Yeah.” Hanna swallows hard. “Is that what you want?”

“It’s _everything_ I want,” Spencer says tenderly.

Hanna’s eyes immediately cloud with grateful tears. “Good. Because that’s what I want, too.”

“And for Stella,” Spencer continues. “I’m here for her, in whatever way feels right. I know that you and Caleb are her parents, of course, and the whole stepmom thing can be tricky—”

“Stepmom?” Hanna cuts in.

Spencer flushes. “Not that we’re there yet,” she rushes to add. “I’m not trying to—”

“Propose to me?” Hanna supplies, teasingly. When Spencer still looks mildly panicked, Hanna shakes her head. “I get what you’re saying.”

“I didn’t really have people growing up,” Spencer murmurs. “Stella should have people.”

“Yeah, she should,” Hanna agrees. “And she does, and I love you for wanting to be one of them. I’m going to talk to her about us soon.”

Spencer seems to relax, slightly. “Okay. And I’ll be there to meet Natalie, if you’d like me there.”

Hanna comes to stand in front of Spencer, leaning their bodies together and loosing draping her arms around Spencer’s waist. “I would. As long as it feels okay to you.”

Spencer snorts as she loops her arms around Hanna’s neck. “It does. But god, what a nightmare for Caleb. All of us in one room together.”

Hanna smirks. “Oh, the stories we could tell.”

“He can take it.” Sometime during that first night together, Hanna told Spencer about her conversation with Caleb. Spencer seemed touched but not terribly surprised by his reaction.

“We’ll be on our best behavior,” Hanna says.

“Mmm hmm,” Spencer hums. “Now, are we done talking about Caleb?”

“Yes _._ ”

“ _Good_.” In one swift movement Spencer spins them around, pressing Hanna against the counter and guiding her hips up onto the ledge. Hanna giggles in surprise and delight as Spencer peppers kissing along her neck.

The coffee is cold by the time they get to it, but Hanna barely even notices.

\--

Hanna takes a deep breath. She started bedtime a little bit early, so she thinks Stella still has enough energy for this conversation. “Hey,” she begins. “I have something to tell you, okay?”

“What?” Stella blinks up at her curiously. She’s in her new big girl bed, blankets tucked up around her, and Hanna can’t believe how grown up she looks.

“Well, you know how Daddy has a new friend?”

“Natalie!”

Hanna nods. “Yes, Natalie. You like her, right?”

“Yeah!” Stella says excitedly. “She’s really nice.” Stella loved Natalie right off the bat, which was a huge comfort to Hanna.

“She makes your dad happy,” Hanna adds. “Kind of like how you feel happy with your special blanket. And there’s someone who makes me feel happy like that, too.”

“Who?”

“Well, it’s actually somebody you know.” Hanna exhales. “It’s Spencer.”

Stella smiles widely. “Cool!”

“It is cool,” Hanna agrees, feeling her entire body flood with relief. “And it means that Spencer is going to be around more.”

“I like Spencer!” Stella declares.

“I like her too. As a matter of fact, I love her.” Hanna leans in closer. “But you know who I love the most?”

“Me?”

“You,” Hanna confirms, hugging her daughter tightly. “Always, always you.”

\--

“You’re nervous,” Spencer observes on the elevator ride up to Caleb’s apartment.

“What gave it away?” Hanna mutters.

“Well, you stress-ate a pack of peanut M&M’s on the car ride over, and now you won’t stop fiddling with my bracelet.”

Hanna glances down at her fingers, which are unconsciously cradling Spencer’s wrist and twisting the links of her gold bracelet together. “Oh. Sorry.” She lets Spencer’s wrist go but Spencer merely flips her hand over to interlock their fingers.

“It’s okay,” Spencer says. “I get it.”

“Are you nervous?” Hanna asks.

“Why would I be nervous? I’m going to dinner with my ex-boyfriend, who happens to be the ex-husband of my current girlfriend—and I’m partially responsible for the breakup—”

“Only a quarter responsible,” Hanna reminds her.

“ _And,”_ Spencer continues, “said ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend will also be there. I think the only thing that could make this dinner less relaxing would be my parents and Melissa showing up.”

“Didn’t I tell you?” Hanna teases.

Spencer rolls her eyes as the elevator dings. “This is what being an adult is all about, right?" she muses as they walk down the hallway. "Attending awkward dinner parties with people you used to sleep with?”

“Beats getting stalked by A.”

“Debatable.”

Hanna nods at the door up in front of them. “We’re here.”

Spencer squeezes Hanna’s hand. “Seriously, though, it’s going to be okay.”

“I know,” Hanna acknowledges.

“And I’ll attend a million awkward dinner parties as long as you’re by my side.”

Hanna bites her lip. “That’s almost as good as ‘till death do us part.’”

“Almost.” Spencer takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders. Hanna feels her heart squeeze tight with how much she loves this woman. “Ready?”

“Ready.”

 


	16. Every Part of Me (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better late than never! A million years later, and here's an update. Thank you to anyone who is still reading this. Life has been busy as of late, but I'm determined to finish this fic.

Hanna knew Natalie would be a cool person, based on Caleb and Stella’s descriptions, but she wasn’t prepared for how downright lovely she is. Natalie is an impeccable hostess, gamely filling drinks and carrying the conversation until Hanna at least feels some semblance of comfort. Dinner passes with limited awkwardness, all four of them mostly sticking to safe topics like Stella’s upcoming dance recital and the recent hot weather. Hanna only has to anxiously squeeze Spencer’s hand a couple of times throughout the meal.

After dinner, Hanna sits by herself on the couch and finishes her wine, and she’s surprised to feel curiosity rather than dread when Natalie approaches her.

“Can I get you another glass?” Natalie offers.

Hanna shakes her head. “No, I’m okay.” She reconsiders that. “I’m great, actually.”

Natalie smiles and sits down on the armchair beside Hanna’s. “Good.” She nods toward Spencer and Caleb, who are currently engaged in a spirited conversation about the upcoming mayoral election in Rosewood. “I would never know those two were exes.”

“You don’t need to worry,” Hanna assures her. “Not that you _are_ worried. It’s just, if I was in your position, I might be.” She frowns. “I _was_ in your position. Sort of. I guess?” She rolls her eyes. “Honestly, me and Spence and Caleb have been on all sides of that triangle.”

“I might need a chart to keep it all straight,” Natalie quips. “Or, not straight, as the case may be.” She winces slightly. “Bad joke. Sorry.”

Hanna chuckles. “Don’t be. I’m at the point where I can laugh about it now.”

Natalie nods, looking grateful to hear that. “I’m not worried, by the way. It’s clear as day that you and Spencer are only interested in one another.”

The statement isn’t exactly a revelation, but it feels good to hear nonetheless. “And Caleb only has eyes for you,” Hanna says. “He’s smitten.”

“Yeah?”

“Totally,” Hanna confirms. “He’s so protective of Stella, there’s no way he’d bring you around if he wasn’t sure.”

“Thank you for saying that,” Natalie replies. She’s quiet for another second, before adding, “That’s not all I should be thanking you for.”

Hanna raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I know that you and your mom have been in Caleb’s life for a long time,” Natalie continues. “And as much as I love him, I’m sure he wasn’t the easiest nut to crack as as a teenager. He’s told me stories about what his life was like, and how you two gave him a chance when no one else did. You shaped him, I’m certain of that. And he wouldn’t be the man he is today without you. So thank you.”

Hanna doesn’t really know what to say to that, so she just murmurs, “You’re welcome.”

“I hope you know that I’ll take care of him. And Stella, too. She’s an amazing little girl.”

“She is,” Hanna agrees. “And I do know that." There's a certain relief in hearing those words, in the certainty that Caleb will be okay, even after everything that's happened. "Y’know, you and I should go out to lunch or something sometime, just the two of us.” She frowns. “Is that weird? That’s probably weird.”

Natalie smiles. “Nothing wrong with a little weird. Your clothes are beautiful. Maybe we could go shopping?”

Hanna grins back at her. “You know, Natalie, I think this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

\--

About an hour later Hanna decides she’s just drunk enough to get real with Caleb, and besides, Spencer seems content chatting with Natalie. Caleb is in the kitchen washing dessert plates when Hanna comes up behind him and smacks his low back with her napkin. He makes a little noise of surprise but it turns into a chuckle.

“Can I dry?” Hanna asks.

Caleb glances at her with raised eyebrows. “You’re offering to help with dishes? Who are you, and what have you done with Hanna?”

Hanna smacks him with her napkin again but accepts the dish towel he hands her. “What can I say? I’ve grown up.”

“Spencer’s a good influence.”

“Yeah,” Hanna agrees fondly. “She is.”

He passes her a few plates and she dries them in silence. The domesticity of the moment isn’t lost on her. It should feel weird, like looking into a funhouse mirror of her life, a version of a future that wasn’t theirs, in the long run. But Hanna actually feels more comfortable around Caleb now than she has since before they were married.

“She called me,” Caleb says softly. When Hanna looks at him in confusion, he adds, “Spencer.”

“She did? When?”

“Right after I moved out.” He hands her another plate but she sets it down, turning to face him. He sighs and shuts off the water. “She asked me what I knew, and when I told her what you’d told me, she apologized.”

“She never mentioned that,” Hanna murmurs.

“I’m not surprised,” Caleb says. “The way she spoke about what happened, about you—I could tell. Up until that point, I still thought maybe there was a chance for us. Or at least I could lie to myself about it. But after she and I spoke…”

“What?” Hanna prompts.

Caleb shrugs. “I knew. I was trying so hard to hold something together that was already gone, and there she was, trying so hard to not be in love with you. But she couldn’t help it.”

“What did she say?” Hanna asks, somewhere between captivated and a little shaken.

“It wasn’t what she said. It was how she said it. There was this softness that I’d never heard in her before. Not even when she was with Toby, and certainly not when she was with me.”

“Wow.” Hanna blinks a couple of times. She’s not angry that Spencer didn’t tell her; far from it. Spencer and Caleb had their own history, their own relationship. But thinking of Spencer, out there pining for her in that terrible time of uncertainty, makes Hanna feel so much, all at once.

“Yeah. If it hadn’t been for that phone call, I might have held out hope for longer,” Caleb says. “And then I might not have been ready for Natalie when she came along.”

“Which would have been a tragedy,” Hanna adds. “Because Natalie is totally awesome.”

Caleb smiles. “I’m glad you think so.”

“I’d definitely ask her out if we were both single.”

Caleb’s smile quickly dissolves. “Okay, I don’t think I need any more of my girlfriends hooking up with one another, thank you very much.”

“Don’t worry,” Hanna says, catching Spencer’s eye and biting her lip. “I think I’m set.”

\--

Just like that, Hanna finds herself in a new routine, and it seems like time starts moving at warp speed again.

Spencer is splitting her time between the loft and the barn, basically living out of suitcases and Hanna’s closet. Hanna feels guilty, but while part of her wants to ask Spencer to move in, another part of her is trying to keep in mind Emily’s advice about standing still. Besides, Spencer doesn’t seem to mind, and Hanna thinks she probably enjoys the quiet time the barn affords her.

Hanna keeps making her weekend trips to Philly, only now Spencer joins her. It’s awkward with Paige and Mona until it isn’t. Spencer is remarkably similar to them both, and once the three of them get over any residual animosity, they have a lot to talk about. Eventually Spencer and Paige start having weekly lunch dates while Mona helps Hanna with her latest collection. 

“If I was a jealous woman…” Mona mutters one day as Paige and Spencer head off to their new favorite lunch spot, walking practically arm-in-arm.

“You _are_ a jealous woman,” Hanna replies. “You’re one of the most jealous people I know.”

“Exactly,” Mona adds. “So it shows how trusting I am that I’m _not_ jealous right now.”

“Nice spin,” Hanna says with an eye roll, but there’s no real concern there, for either of them. Mona and Paige are clearly rock solid, and Hanna hasn’t come this far with Spencer to not trust her. That’s part of why they work: Hanna trusts Spencer with her life. With her whole heart.

“Y'know,” Spencer remarks one night as they’re discussing hers and Paige’s newfound friendship. “It’s a testament to how much we all love you that we hang out with one another in the first place. I wouldn’t have tried if it wasn’t for you.”

Hanna grins at that, because she never really gets tired of Spencer telling her she loves her.

She starts tracking time by watching Emily. Emily wears pregnancy as well as she wears everything else, and it occurs to Hanna that at one point she would have felt resentful of that. Like the time she and Emily danced side-by-side, and all Hanna could focus on was how well Emily mastered the steps that Hanna was missing. 

But now Hanna just feels joy for her friend. Emily positively glows, her skin radiant and her hair shampoo commercial-ready, even as her body is expanding. And Hanna and Alison, having each gone through less glamorous versions of this same miracle, are there for her with constant reassurance and encouragement. Hanna tries to be as supportive to Emily as Emily was to her through the duration of her pregnancy with Stella. She volunteers to watch Grace and Lily twice a week, and she brings dinner over every Friday night.

“You guys aren’t going to have any date nights for a long time,” Hanna tells Alison and Emily when they worry she’s doing too much. 

“What’s a date night?” Alison replies dryly. “I don’t think we’ve _ever_ had one of those.”

“Well, it’s about time you start, while you still can!” Hanna urges. “I know those pregnancy hormones must be making you super horny, right, Em?”

“ _Han!_ ” Emily says sharply, but Alison shoots Hanna a grateful smile, and neither one of them argue one bit when Hanna announces that she and Spencer will be taking care of Grace and Lily every Saturday night for the rest of Emily’s pregnancy.

\--

Natalie’s family has a cabin in Maine, and at the beginning of fall she invites Caleb and Stella to spend a week there with her. Caleb presents this information to Hanna like he thinks she’ll say no, but she’s actually overjoyed. Stella hasn’t gotten to do any real traveling in her short life so far, and truth be told, Hanna is looking forward to a little extended kid-free time. When she shares this with Emily and Alison, they insist that she take the week off from Grace and Lily duty as well.

“I’m still on for date night, though,” Hanna assures them, though Emily is nearing the end of her pregnancy and has seemed to want the girls close lately.

She and Spencer both decide to take part of the week off from work, and they spend most of the first couple of days in bed. It’s amazing. They’ve had barely any unstructured time together since becoming a couple.

“What if we just quit our jobs and did this all the time?” Hanna muses one late evening as they wolf down Chinese food in bed.

Spencer wipes her mouth with a paper napkin. They’re both wearing oversized T-shirts that Hanna realized once belonged to Caleb, oddly enough. “We’d go stir crazy.”

“I don’t know,” Hanna replies, sliding a hand up Spencer’s calf. “This is pretty sweet.”

Spencer flushes slightly. “We should make more time for this, though.”

“Yeah,” Hanna agrees. “Life gets so damn busy.”

Spencer snorts. “You’re telling me. Between work and the kids and Philly. It’s worth it, though. I love our life.”

Hanna bites her lip. She can feel the words bubbling up, and she doesn’t see the point in trying to stop them. “Would you love it more if we…y’know…”

“Lived together?” Spencer supplies.

“I don’t know if this place is big enough for us,” Hanna murmurs. “I mean, Grace and Lily practically live here part of the time, and with Stells it’s a lot. I want you to feel like you have space.”

“I do,” Spencer assures her. “But, um. Can I show you something?” Hanna nods, and Spencer leans down to the floor to grab her iPad. She taps the screen a couple of times and then hands the iPad to Hanna.

On the screen is a picture of a house, one of those beautiful old homes that Hanna’s driven by dozens of times. 

“What am I looking at?” Hanna asks.

“It's a house.”

“Well, I _know_ that!”

Spencer puts a hand on Hanna’s wrist. “Let me finish. It’s a house that could be ours.”

Hanna looks up at her, mouth agape. “What do you mean?”

“It’s on the market,” Spencer explains. “And between my share of the Lost Woods' sale and how well your latest collection is selling, we could afford it.” She taps the screen again and brings up a picture of a bedroom. “I was thinking that could be our room.” She scrolls to another bedroom. “And this could be Stella’s. And then there’s another room for Grace and Lily, or whomever else needs to stay with us. The basement is big enough for us to each have a work space, and there’s a really nice kitchen, so you can put your newfound cooking skills to good use.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?” Hanna asks.

“Not long,” Spencer replies. “Well, that’s not totally true. A while. When I saw this place I may have convinced the real estate agent to not advertise it. I’m going to do some pro bono work for her, it’s fine.” She smiles softly. “I didn’t want to rush anything. But I just…I could imagine us here. I could see our future.”

“I know the feeling,” Hanna murmurs, feeling her eyes grow a bit watery. She pushes the iPad aside and launches herself into Spencer’s arms, cupping her face to kiss her deeply. “I love you,” she whispers when they pull apart. “So much.”

“I love you too,” Spencer tells her. “And if this place isn’t right, or if I’m rushing things, that’s okay.”

“You’re not. Can we go see it tomorrow?”

“Of course. I’ve got the real estate agent on speed-dial.”

“Of course you do.” Hanna kisses the back of Spencer’s hand. She knows what she needs to do. “Here’s the thing, though. If we’re buying a house together, I’m going to have to make an honest woman out of you.”

Spencer blinks at her. “What do you mean?”

Hanna takes a deep breath. She loves Emily, but screw standing still. They’ve wasted enough time already.

“Spencer Hastings, will you marry me?”


	17. The Way We Always Have Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, friends, this was supposed to be the final chapter, but I got so caught up in writing this part of the story that there was no space for anything else! So, this is the end of the main part of the story, and the next chapter will be the epilogue.

Two weeks before she and Spencer are set to get married, Hanna calls off the wedding. 

Or at least that’s how Spencer will tell it, her voice solemn and dramatic, to which Hanna will roll her eyes and tell Spencer to stop being such an Aria, a comment which will draw a loud laugh from Alison, a muffled snicker from Emily, and a scowl from Aria herself.

That’s not really how it goes. What actually happens is that a month after making the very mature decision to have a simple wedding—no frills, just an afternoon ceremony officiated by Aria in Spencer and Hanna’s new backyard—Hanna realizes that isn’t what she wants. Or more accurately, _Spencer_ realizes that isn’t what Hanna wants.

“What’s up?” Spencer asks one night after Hanna has gone quiet during a discussion about wedding details. Spencer opens a cardboard box that’s sitting on the counter, frowning when the contents clearly aren’t what she expected. The last couple of weeks in the new house have made this experience a common one.

“Nothing’s up,” Hanna says unconvincingly. She gives up on her mission to find more clean plates and goes to retrieve the paper ones from the cupboard. 

“Liar.” Spencer taps Hanna’s elbow lightly. “Are you getting cold feet?”

“No!” Hanna insists, needing Spencer to understand how much she means that. “My feet are super hot!” She wrinkles her nose when Spencer chuckles. “You know what I mean.”

“I don’t, actually.”

“I’ve never been so certain about anything,” Hanna promises. “I want to marry you. I just…”

“What?”

Hanna chews her lip. What she’s feeling seems extraordinarily childish, especially in conjunction with all of her recent grown-up life decisions. But she can’t help it. 

“I want a big wedding,” Hanna admits. “I don’t want some off-the-rack dress we found at the mall. I don’t want a guest list so small we don’t even need a guest book. I had that before, with Caleb, and that wedding was as much about us not testifying against one another as it was about anything else. Plus we saw how well it turned out.”

“What _do_ you want?” Spencer asks gently.

Hanna sighs. “I want to design us beautiful dresses in my studio. I want Mona bossing people around on a headset, ordering special flowers from Paris that Stella can carry down the aisle. I want all of our friends in bridesmaids dresses, and I want classy black-and-white photos that we can hang in our living room. I want the whole town there, watching us get our happy ending.” Ridiculously, she feels her eyes fill with tears. “I want all of that, a great big wedding, but it seems so _stupid_. I have everything I’ve ever wanted, and I still want this.”

Spencer takes her hand. “It’s not stupid. It’s actually really sweet.” She clicks her tongue. “Well, when should we reschedule for? Because I don’t think even Mona could get a halfway decent photographer booked in two weeks, and unless you have an army of mice to help you, the dresses won’t be done in time.”

“Really? You’re okay with this?”

Spencer nods. “Honestly, we could get married in Atlantic City, or we could get married at Westminster Abbey, and it wouldn’t matter to me. I just want to be with you. And of course I want Stella and our friends and family there, provided mine can behave themselves. As for anything else—” She shrugs. “If it makes you happy, I’m good with it.”

Hanna grins and kisses Spencer’s cheek. “I’d propose to you all over again right now if I could. And the Royal Wedding will have _nothing_ on ours.”

With that, Hanna springs into action. She calls Mona, who immediately takes on the project with delight, announcing that they’ll need to push the wedding back by at least two months, and that she and Paige will be staying in Spencer and Hanna’s guest room for at least a third of that time.

When Hanna tells Ashley about the change of plans, her mom lets out a relieved-sounding breath. “Thank god,” Ashley sighs. “I would have supported anything you wanted, of course. But I always dreamed about helping you plan your wedding. And last time…”

“This is really different from last time,” Hanna supplies.

Ashley grins. “It sure is. What do you need from me? The Radley is yours, in whatever way you want it.”

“Thanks. I was hoping you’d say that.” Hanna bites her lip. “I was also hoping that you’d walk me down the aisle.”

Ashley nods, quickly, like she’s trying to keep from crying. “It would be an honor.”

So with that the wedding venue gets an upgrade from the backyard to the newly-renovated ballroom at the Radley. “This is going to be perfect,” Mona announces when she sees the space. She turns to Hanna and Spencer. “You realize, of course, that you’re going to need an actual wedding party.”

Spencer raises an eyebrow. “And why’s that?”

“You want to just plod down the aisle while the guests are still getting settled in their seats?” Mona retorts. “Where’s the fun in that? This wedding needs drama! It needs to be spectacular!”

Hanna furrows her brow. “Well, we still want Aria to perform the ceremony, so she’ll come out first—”

“I want Ali to be my maid-of-honor,” Spencer announces suddenly.

Hanna and Mona both look at her in surprise.

“I know we haven’t had the easiest relationship,” Spencer continues. “But she’s my family.” She squeezes Hanna’s hand. “And when you and I were apart, she helped get me see the bigger picture.”

Hanna smiles softly. “Okay. Now as for me…”

“I hereby take myself out of the running as your maid-of-honor,” Mona says with authority. “I need to keep my full attention on making sure the ceremony runs smoothly. God knows this town is good at ruining a party.” She winks in Hanna’s direction. “Besides, you don’t have to prove anything to me. Besties forever, right?”

“Besties forever,” Hanna confirms. “Alright. Emily it is.”

Mona nods approvingly. “I can’t think of anyone better for the job.”

The wedding seems to take on a life of its own from there, though Mona promises she has everything under control. Hanna believes her until she receives an RSVP from Sean Ackard, letting her know that he and his husband will be bringing their new twins.

“How many people did you invite?” Hanna demands to know.

“Not too many,” Mona replies, unconvincingly. “Unrelated, your mom would be willing to let the fire code regulations slide for one night, right?”

 _“Mona!_ ”

“I’m sorry! But you said you wanted the town to see you get your happy ending, and why half-ass that mission? I mean, you brought me on for a reason!”

“I did,” Hanna admits. And in her heart of hearts she knows this is what she wants, even if it’s ridiculous and more than a little over-the-top.

“So our wedding will be a circus,” Spencer says good-naturedly that night after they’ve put Stella to bed. “What’s wrong with that?”

The time seems to fly by. Hanna is in her studio almost every day, bringing Stella with more often than not and letting her watch way too much _Doc McStuffins_ while Hanna works on the dresses. She somehow coordinates times for all of her friends to come by for fittings, and Paige even offers to help with the last bit of sewing once they enter crunch mode.

“Oh!” Hanna remembers as they’re finishing up one day. “I almost forget.” She goes to one of the racks and produces a navy suit that’s the same shade as the bridesmaids’ dresses. 

Paige looks confused. “Is this for me?”

Hanna chuckles. “Well, I’m not planning on wearing it.”

“You made me a suit.” Paige looks like she might cry.

Hanna squeezes her hand. “It’s no big deal. I mean, it _is_ , since you’re technically in the wedding party. But compared to these dresses, it was a breeze. I got your measurements from Mona.”

“I’m in the wedding party?”

“You’re walking Mona down the aisle. I know she’s in planning mode, and that’s great. But she at least needs a dress and a spot up front. And so do you. Hence, the suit. You’re part of my team, Paige. You should wear the uniform.” Hanna wrinkles her nose. “Ugh, did I just make a sports metaphor?"

Paige laughs tearfully. “I won’t tell a soul.”

The day before the wedding, Spencer and Hanna decide to have some family time before the rehearsal dinner that night. They take Stella out for ice cream and then to her favorite park, watching her play as the sun starts to set.

“We need to go,” Spencer murmurs. “People will be arriving in an hour.”

“Five more minutes.” Hanna snuggles into Spencer’s side, wishing she could stay in this moment forever. 

Spencer pets her hair affectionately. “Happy?”

“Mmm hmm,” Hanna replies. “All my dreams have come true.”

The rehearsal dinner is a blur of congratulations and yummy food and buckets of emotion. Ashley gives a toast that leaves Hanna in a puddle, and then Melissa Hastings unexpectedly comes forth with a speech that makes the room shake with laughter.

And then just like that it’s over, and Hanna is being whisked away to Emily’s house while Aria and Alison stay with Spencer. “It’s tradition!” Emily insists when Hanna goes through the motions of protesting, even though this arrangement has been planned for weeks.

The DiLaurentis-Fields household is kid-free tonight, Pam Fields—saint that she is—having taken all three little ones plus Stella. Emily surveys the quiet house gratefully when she and Hanna get inside.

“How are you doing?” Hanna asks. In the hubbub of wedding planning, she hasn’t been as available for Emily and Alison as she was in the first couple of weeks after baby Henry’s birth.

“Exhausted,” Emily replies. “Probably losing my mind. But also, so, so good.”

“I feel like I haven’t seen you without a kid attached to you in forever.”

“Believe me, it feels the same way on my end.” Emily opens the fridge and stares into it blankly. “Can I get you anything?”

“Oh my god, sit down,” Hanna insists, swatting at Emily’s hip. “Just sit and let me take care of you for a second.”

Emily obliges, sleepily settling into one of the kitchen bar stools while Hanna fills two glasses with sparkling water. “You’re always taking care of me.”

“See, I thought it was the other way around.” Hanna slides one of the glasses to Emily and leans her elbows against the counter. “I wouldn’t be getting married if it wasn’t for you.”

“I don’t know about that,” Emily replies.

“I do. I was so close to losing myself, there at the end with Caleb. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. But you were there for me. You always are. You’re my rock, Em.”

Emily shakes her head. “You’re going to make me cry. And it doesn’t take much these days.” She looks up at Hanna warmly. “I love you, and I’m so happy for you.”

Hanna sleeps fitfully that night, her mind running through all the last little details that she’s certain Mona has taken care of but is concerned about nonetheless. 

The next morning, the hair and makeup team Mona has hired arrives promptly at nine o’clock, with Mona and Paige in toe. Pam brings the kids back over around lunchtime, and from then on it’s chaos, Pam and Hanna attempting to wrangle the girls into dresses while Emily tends to Henry and Mona shouts at everyone not to smudge their makeup or chip their nails.

And suddenly it’s time to get dressed. Mona is off dealing with something or other, so, bizarrely, Emily and Paige end up being the ones to help Hanna put on her dress. It’s uncomfortably quiet in the room until Hanna loudly states, “Okay, this is super fucking awkward,” which makes both Emily and Paige laugh and seems to quell the feeling.

“Let’s go, ladies!” Mona calls through the door. “This wedding is starting late over my dead body!”

Paige shakes her head. “Yeah, she’s been a little extra intense lately.”

Hanna nods sympathetically. “We’ll all be glad when this wedding’s over. I mean, I’m excited, don’t get me wrong. But it’s been a lot. And I’m ready to be married and lying on a beach with Spencer.” She turns to Emily. “Your brother-in-law is awesome, by the way.” She frowns, considering. “Whoa, he’s about to be my brother-in-law too!”

“Jason’s letting them stay at his house in Hawaii for their honeymoon,” Emily explains to Paige. “Wedding present.”

“Best wedding present _ever_ ,” Hanna declares. “But I’m paying him back. I’ll make sure he and Aria get a couple of dances in at the reception.”

“Playing matchmaker at your own wedding?” Emily says.

“What can I tell you?” Hanna replies. “I shouldn’t be the only one who gets a happily ever after.” She adjusts her skirt and then glances down, noticing Paige and Emily sharing a genuine-looking smile.

“Believe me, Han,” Paige murmurs. “You’re not.”

They make it to the Radley on time, and Ashley quickly guides them to one of the curtained side areas near the ballroom. “You look beautiful,” she tells Hanna more than once. “And Spencer does too.”

Hanna feels her heart squeeze tight at the mention of Spencer, and she blinks her eyes rapidly to keep the tears at bay.

“Hey,” a familiar gravelly voice says. “I’m here.” 

“And not a moment too early,” Mona mutters, but Hanna ignores her and opens the curtain for Caleb to come in.

Stella rushes into his arm and he effortlessly scoops her up. “Hi, sweetie. Doesn’t everyone look so nice?”

“Mama looks like a princess,” Stella tells him. Hanna kinds of feels like a princess in her ballgown-style dress with delicate lace detailing.

“She does,” Caleb agrees, walking toward Hanna. “You look amazing. This is the wedding you deserve. With the person you deserve.”

Hanna takes his hand. “Thank you. It means a lot that you’re here. Not just _here_ , but, y’know.”

“I know,” Caleb says. “And speaking of which, where’s my aisle partner?”

“Right here!” Emily reports, trying to hold Henry in such a way so that he won’t spit up on her dress.

Mona says something into her earpiece, then looks at Hanna. “It’s go-time.”

People start filing out of the waiting area, first Stella, then Mona and Paige, and then Caleb and Emily. 

Hanna peeks outside the curtain, her eyes widening when she realizes just how many people are here. Bridget Wu is telling her son to quiet down. Cindy and Mindy have matching hairstyles and possibly matching outfits. Sean is there, with his husband and children, and Lucas Gottesman is sitting with the model he’s been dating on-and-off for a year. Hanna sees Barry Maple sitting beside Pam, who’s retrieved Henry from Emily, and behind them sit all of her friends’ families, including Mike Montgomery, who Hanna hasn’t seen in years. Toby is near the middle of the crowd, looking uncomfortable. A thin cane is sticking out of one edge of the aisle, and when Hanna’s eyes trace it upwards, she sees it belongs to none other than Jenna Marshall. Hanna’s father, who she hasn’t seen since she was pregnant, sits near the back, looking especially old and grey since his second divorce.

And then up front, joining her side of the wedding party along with Aria, are Melissa and Jason and Alison, flanked by Grace and Lily. A family, her family, Spencer’s family. Impossible at one point and improbable still, but nevertheless, _here_. Here and thriving.

“Are you ready?” Ashley asks her. Hanna nods. The room is situated so that she and Spencer can walk out at the same time and meet in the middle. As Hanna starts walking forward, she sees Spencer on the other side, and her breath catches. Veronica and Peter walk beside Spencer, stiffly but lovingly.

“The dress fits you perfectly,” Hanna whispers when they’re close enough, because there are a million things on her mind right now, but it’s the first thought she can put to words.

“It does,” Spencer agrees around a watery chuckle. “You did good.” Spencer looks incredible in the lacy A-line dress Hanna made for her, the only piece of clothing she wasn’t able to have a fitting for. Ashley, Peter and Veronica take their seats.

“Show of hands,” Aria begins. “Who would have thought, ten years ago, that we’d all be gathered here to celebrate the wedding of Hanna Marin and Spencer Hastings?”

The crowd laughs but no hands are raised.

“I can’t say I did,” Aria continues. “And yet, something I have recognized is that love—true, lasting love—doesn’t always look how you expect it. I used to think that love dropped out of the sky and hit you like a lightening bolt, but I was wrong about that. I think that the best kind of love blooms from a tree that has deep roots, roots built on trust, and friendship, and a knowingness that the other person will be there not just for the good days and the bad days, but for all the days in between. Spencer and Hanna, what you two have is that kind of love. You have bravely walked a path together that wasn’t always easy, but thank goodness you did, because that path has brought us here today.”

Hanna wipes at her eyes, not even trying to hold back the tears anymore. She feels a tap on her elbow, and Emily is handing her a tissue, mouthing, _I got you._

“Would you two like to share your vows?” Aria asks.

Hanna nods and begins, her voice shaky but certain. “Spencer, falling in love with you was one of the scariest experiences of my life, and we all know that’s saying something. I tried to fight it for so long, but then I realized that there was no point, because loving you is as natural as breathing for me. You have been my light in the darkness for so long, and I feel so lucky that I get to spend the rest of my life with you. I vow to love you unconditionally, to always tell you the truth, to celebrate the good times and hold you during the bad ones, to fight for you and to always be a person you can come home to. I love you.”

Spencer sniffles and takes a couple of deep breaths. “Hanna, you have brought so many gifts into my life. You have gifted me with your grace and your incredible capacity for forgiveness and understanding. You have gifted me with an unconditional love and support that I didn’t dream I’d ever receive. You have gifted me with Stella, who I know is more precious to you than anything or anyone, and who I love more than I ever thought possible. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know, and I vow to always treasure it, to be tender with your heart as you’ve been tender with mine, and to never lose sight of what a rare and beautiful gift our life is. I love you.”

“Well,” Aria breathes, wiping at her eyes. “I think it’s as good a time as any to do the rings. Shall we?”

Emily hands a ring to Hanna, and Alison hands one to Spencer. “With this ring, I thee wed,” Hanna says as she slides the ring onto Spencer’s finger. “Is there more we’re supposed to say?”

Spencer and Aria laugh. “I think that’ll do,” Aria tells her.

“With this ring, I thee wed,” Spencer repeats as she slides the ring onto Hanna’s finger.

“Then by the power vested in me by the state of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you wife and wife!” Aria declares. “Somebody kiss somebody!”

Hanna grins and happily complies, pulling Spencer toward her for a kiss that Spencer quickly deepens. The crowd cheers as they break apart, and Hanna grabs Spencer’s hand before reaching for Stella’s.

She looks out at the crowd, sees her mother and her friends and all of the people from this town that she used to despise but now knows is home. No one is tearing her down or pointing fingers. Far from it. They’re all happy for her.

Spencer grins. “We’ve come a long way.”

“You’re telling me,” Hanna agrees. And then she gasps, and she nods toward the back of the room. Spencer follows her gaze, her eyes widening as they settle on the unmistakable form of Mary Drake, offering a small smile before turning on her heel and rushing out of the room.

“Wow,” Hanna breathes, unsure of what to make of that. “I guess she wanted to see it for herself.”

Spencer blinks a couple of times, a few tears streaming down her cheeks. Hanna knows that they’ll have to process this later, that within seconds Mona will be rushing them to greet the crowd as everyone makes their way to the reception hall. She squeezes Spencer’s hand, not enough, by a long shot, but perhaps a comfort for now.

“It’s good,” Spencer finally says, looking at Hanna with so much love that Hanna nearly kisses her again. “I’m glad she got to see me get my happy ending.”


	18. Epilogue: Time After Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, friends, here we finally are at the conclusion. Thank you so much to everyone who read and commented. This is, all in all, the fanfic I am probably most proud of, and I so appreciate everyone who took the time to leave feedback.

Stella is four. It’s her birthday. 

Hanna will be the first to admit that she’s maybe gone a little overboard with the festivities, largely due to her irrational fear that Stella is feeling neglected as of late. Between the move and the wedding, the arrival of Henry officially usurping Stella’s role as the baby of the group, and the permanent installation of new partners for each of Stella’s parents, Hanna is concerned. Stella seems fine, and everyone has assured Hanna that these changes are ultimately positive and unlikely to leave any lasting scars on a well-adjusted child. But Hanna can’t shake the feeling that she has something to make up for, and so she’s making it up in style, with a ridiculously expensive princess cake and a party that includes just about every child Stella has ever met.

The day of the party, Spencer is gamely helping decorate, and Emily and Alison come over early with their kids to help direct traffic. Noticeably absent are Caleb and Natalie, who said they’d be over in the morning but still aren’t there by the time early afternoon rolls around and the first guests are starting to arrive.

Hanna is moving out of the pissed off zone and into the genuinely worried one—Caleb is _never_ late, especially where Stella is concerned—when she hears a squeal of, “ _Daddy!_ ” and turns around to see Caleb and Natalie entering the party.

“Where were you?” she demands once she’s made her way through the mob of parents. She notes the concerned look on both of their faces and adds, “What’s wrong?”

Caleb’s expression is weary. “We can talk about it later,” Natalie murmurs.

Hanna feels her stomach drop. “We’ll talk about it now,” she says firmly, grasping each of their arms and leading them into the pantry off the kitchen.

“Ow!” Caleb complains. “Your fingers are really strong!”

Hanna almost makes a crack about Spencer not minding that before she rethinks it. “Did you guys break up?” she asks. “Because if there’s any way you can fix it, you have to. Seriously, Caleb, other than Spencer she’s the best person you’ve ever dated, and yes, that’s coming from me, so—”

Caleb sighs. “No, we didn’t break up.” He looks at Natalie shiftily, who in turn takes a deep breath, like she’s mustering something from deep inside.

“Hanna,” she says softly, “I’m pregnant.”

\--

Stella is nine. It’s her birthday.

A party was planned, but it had to be called off last minute. The girl of the hour has the flu. Even the sight of her gorgeous cake made her throw up. 

While Hanna hates to see her daughter sick, she figures in some ways it’s just as well. The Tony Awards are tonight, and though Hanna has never cared a lick about theater in her life, she knows she’d be distracted all through the party. Spencer, too.

Aria’s first original musical, a largely autobiographical breakout hit that critics are calling a hybrid of _Next to Normal_ and _Fun Home_ , is nominated in all the major categories. Emily, Alison, Hanna and Spencer flew to New York to see it a few months ago. They were all sobbing by the end of Act I.

So instead of a party, Spencer, Hanna and Stella are curled up on the couch, Stella’s head in Hanna’s lap and her feet in Spencer’s. Caleb, Natalie and little Marcus FaceTimed her earlier, and Emily and Alison dropped off the birthday presents that Grace and Lily picked out for her. Stella agreed to watch the Tony’s without too much prodding; she and Grace and Lily are already developing a fondness for musical theater, and besides which, as she puts it, “It’s Aunt Aria’s big night!” 

Stella spots Aria in the audience first, or rather she spots Jason, looking handsome and so proud in the suit Hanna finished for him last week. And then there’s Aria, grinning ear-to-ear, her hair shorter than it’s been in a long time. 

“Her dress looks great, Mom,” Stella comments, and Hanna squeezes her shoulder in gratitude.

Aria’s musical wins a number of smaller awards, and then a few of the big ones. Her writing partner gets the honor of Best Original Score, and then it’s time for Best Book of a Musical, Aria’s category.

Audra McDonald presents the award, and her face lights up as she reads the name. “And the Tony goes to…Aria Montgomery!”

Hanna and Spencer yell so loud that Stella has to shush them so they can hear Aria’s speech. She’s teary and beautiful, seems genuinely so surprised, and Hanna has never loved her more. 

Aria thanks the people involved in her show, her parents and Mike and Jason before saying, “And I would not be standing here were it not for my community of friends, who have handed me a roadmap whenever I’ve felt lost. All you young ladies out there, I want you to listen to me: the women in your life are your heroes. Your friends are warriors. We need each other. Don’t you forget it, and don’t let them forget it either. I’m so thankful that my friends never did.”

Tears are streaming down Hanna’s face, and Spencer wordlessly hands her a tissue.

“ _Mom_ ,” Stella complains. “Why are you crying?!”

Hanna shares a significant look with Spencer. 

“I’ll tell you the whole story,” Hanna promises her daughter. “Someday.”

\--

Stella is twelve. It’s her birthday.

The three of them are in Venice, just Spencer, Hanna and Stella. Ostensibly it’s a birthday trip, that’s what they’ve been telling everyone. But Spencer and Hanna know that it means more.

Six months ago, Hanna didn’t know they’d be here. Six months ago she also didn’t know that Spencer would be quitting her job.

Ever since moving back to Rosewood all those years ago, Spencer had been working at her mother’s firm. Since Veronica’s third and most likely last cancer scare, she’s taken a step back to focus on grandparent duties—Melissa’s wife is pregnant with their second child—leaving Spencer more or less in charge of the firm in her absence.

This seemed like a good thing. It seemed like a _great_ thing, the logical and exciting next step in Spencer’s illustrious career as a defense attorney. A passing-of-the-torch that Veronica and Peter were thrilled about.

And for a time, it was. Spencer was making more money than she ever had and seemed to be feeling more confident than Hanna had ever seen her. On nights without Stella, Spencer would take Hanna out on lavish date nights, and Hanna will admit that the Power Lesbian look on Spencer was such a turn on that they frequently ended up tearing off each other’s clothes before they’d even left the restaurant. With Hanna’s latest collection getting a full feature in _Vogue_ , she and Spencer were doing well enough financially to purchase a condo in Philadelphia and a bigger studio space in Rosewood. They were even thinking about buying a new summer home, rather than just staying at Spencer’s grandmother’s old place, which seemed so wildly extravagant that Hanna couldn’t talk about it without affecting a ridiculous accent.

Life was good, or at least that’s what Hanna thought. But with Spencer at the helm, the firm started becoming more high profile, and the clientele started changing. It seemed to happen without Spencer even realizing it. One day the firm was representing the wrongly accused and the next they were representing the too-rich-to-care guilty. One client was a banker who claimed that because he’d paid, the sex worker he’d roughed up had no cause to complain. Another was the principal of a boarding school school who claimed self-defense after brutally attacking a young student of color.

It was the case after that that truly broke Spencer. A popular newscaster killed his pregnant wife, then blamed it on the undocumented couple who cleaned their house. At first, Spencer had wanted to believe the man. In talking the case over with Hanna, she’d tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. She did that with all of her clients, trying to see their side of the story—a far cry from the young girl who rushed to pronounce everyone around her as being A.

But as the case went on, it became clear just how guilty the man was. It also became clear just how much the jury loved him.

“We’re going to win,” Spencer told Hanna sullenly one night. “Isn’t that just fan-fucking-tastic?”

Win they did, and afterward Spencer came home, poured herself a glass of wine, and went to bed. For the next week it was the same routine, only the glasses got taller and the words Spencer spoke got fewer. Hanna hated seeing her like this.

On the eighth day, Hanna poured the entire bottle down the drain before Spencer could grab it off the counter.

“Hey!” Spencer protested, her voice harder than it should have been.

“We’re not doing this,” Hanna told her firmly. “I’m not losing you in a drunken spiral of shame. We need to figure out a different plan, because this one isn’t working for us.”

Spencer broke down, then, revealing that she’d been feeling awful for months, that she couldn’t stand going into work every day knowing these were the people she was representing. Hanna held her all night, and the next day, with shaking hands, Spencer called Veronica and quit her job.

That was six months ago. And now here they are in Venice, sitting in a gondola, Stella taking pictures with her new phone and Hanna holding Spencer’s hand. The transition hasn’t been easy. Hanna insisted that Spencer take some time off to figure out what she really wanted, and truth be told, Spencer needed the break. 

Spencer has resisted not working, of course; standing still has never been her favorite thing. But Hanna thinks she’s over the hump, now. Spencer’s been lighter. Happier. So much so that Hanna feels a little guilty for not noticing how far down the well she was before everything broke.

Spencer’s been back in therapy, too. Working on her coping strategies. It’s involved a lot of reflecting on her family, which has made her more vulnerable lately, more prone to getting emotional or needing to stop and take a breath.

“You’re the bravest person I know,” Hanna’s told her more than once these past few months. “What you’re doing is incredible.” She thinks maybe Spencer is starting to believe her.

Now, Spencer kisses the back of her hand, and Hanna squeezes it tightly. They’re here together. They’re going to be okay. 

Stella asks Spencer a question and Spencer responds in perfect Italian. Hanna smiles and watches the sun begin to set.

\--

Stella is fifteen. It’s her birthday.

She is also in love for the first time, and boy, does Hanna not miss being a teenager. Stella is all moony over Jacob Simmons, who’s a track and field star but also, apparently, writes poetry and calls himself a feminist. Hanna thinks Jacob Simmons sounds a little like a tool. Spencer thinks Hanna should keep her opinions to herself.

Stella wants to go out with her friends tonight, which thankfully still include Grace and Lily, as well as Jacob, a few other kids from school, and Mona and Paige’s foster kids, Jasmine and Robbie. Henry and Marcus, who are pretty much inseparable, are still deemed “little kids” and are therefore not invited.

Hanna agreed that Stella could go out as long as she stuck to curfew and agreed to the requisite family barbecue in the afternoon. It’s a tradition, at this point, and since Stella has a summer birthday it’s just as much of a family reunion as it is a birthday party.

This year, though, Hanna’s been a little distracted from her hostessing duties. She’s been preoccupied for the last few weeks, honestly. Aria recently published an article in _Scarlet Magazine_ —she does freelance from time to time—about a youth center she visited in New York, and ever since then, Hanna’s found herself captivated by the idea.

“Think about how much we would have benefitted from that,” she’s pointed out to Spencer more than once.

“I agree,” Spencer has said. “It sounds incredible. But there are a lot of steps to get something like that going.”

At the party, Hanna is still pitching the idea. “I mean, Rosewood’s a lot better off than it was when we were kids,” she’s saying to Mona and Paige. “But there’s still work to be done. Just because Ali’s principal doesn’t mean Rosewood High is magically an amazing place. I have a teenager there, I know it still kind of sucks. This place could provide an outlet for kids to express themselves or talk or learn life skills.”

“Are you talking about an LGBT center?” Paige asks. “Or, how ever many letters we’re supposed to use now?”

“Sure. LGBT kids, but also kids who are homeless, kids with addiction, kids with eating disorders…”

“Kids with mental disorders,” Mona adds quietly. She nods, once. “I’m in, Hanna. Whatever you need.”

Hanna beams and turns her attention back to the party at hand. Or at least she tries to, but then she feels a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m so proud of you,” her mother says.

Hanna turns to face her. “For hosting a barbecue?”

Ashley laughs. “For all of this.” She gestures to the group gathered around them. "For how far you and Spencer—all of you, really—have come. There was a time, a few times, where I didn’t know if you’d have any of this. But you earned every bit of it.” She squeezes Hanna’s arm. “I overheard you talking a minute ago, about the youth center.”

Hanna feels herself flush, because it’s one thing to talk about this with her friends, but Ashley is still her mom, and Hanna knows the idea sounds a little outlandish.

“The Radley is paid off,” Ashley continues. “I own the land. And…it’s yours if you want it.”

Hanna sucks in breath. “What?”

“I’ve been thinking about getting out of the business anyway,” Ashley says. “I’ve made plenty of money, and it’s not the most fulfilling job, in the long run.” She shrugs. “Being your mom takes that top honor.”

“Are you serious?” Hanna asks.

“I am,” Ashley confirms. “I don’t know if this is just a pipe dream for you, but if it’s something you want to actively pursue—"

“It is,” Hanna interjects, more certain of that than ever before.

“Well,” Ashley says with a grin. “Where do we start?”

\--

Stella is seventeen. It’s her birthday.

She and her date mate, Gray, are out to dinner, and Hanna and Spencer are at home. They have the Radley blueprints spread out in front of them, which is not the first time they’ve been in this situation.

Alison and Emily are over, and Aria flew in from New York last night. The five of them are clustered around Hanna and Spencer’s dining room table. Spencer is taking notes on an iPad, and Mona is talking to them over a FaceTime call projected on the wall.

“We’ve got a number of interested parties,” Mona reports.

“That’s fantastic,” Hanna replies.

“The press will be crucial, especially at the beginning,” Ali agrees.

Aria nods. “I think the trick will be representation.” When Hanna mentioned the idea of the youth center to her a while back, Aria jumped at the opportunity to be involved. She’s going to spearhead an art program to help trauma and abuse survivors.

“I know it won’t be about this in the long run,” Emily adds. “But it does seem like branding is crucial right now.”

“Which means we need a name,” Spencer adds. “We’ve been putting it off for a while, but we do need to figure this out.”

Hanna sighs. The six of them keep going in circles about what to name the youth center. Since it’s encompassing so many issues, an acronym seems impossible. And naming the place after Rosewood itself feels like it’s sending the wrong message, since Hanna knows that many of the people who come here may be doing so as a reaction to Rosewood.

“A safe space for those who need it,” she says aloud, aware that it sounds more like a tagline than an actual title.

Alison clears her throat. “I have an idea.”

“What is it?” Hanna asks.

Ali takes a deep breath. “How about The Charlotte DiLaurentis Memorial Youth Center? Because I figure, well, she needed it more than anyone.”

The room falls quiet as the rest of the group looks to Hanna. This project, as much as they may be supporting it, was brought to the table by her. She has final say.

Hanna thinks about Charlotte. Alison’s sister. Spencer’s sister. 

The Dollhouse feels like a lifetime ago.

“I love it,” she decides.

\--

Stella is twenty. It’s her birthday.

Hanna is exhausted. The Charlotte DiLaurentis Memorial Youth Center—or CDMYC, as it’s more widely known—just had its biggest event series yet. The editor-in-chief of _Scarlett_ , Kat Edison, traveled to Rosewood to do a whole feature on the Center. Janet Mock and Demi Lovato visited and spoke to the kids and staff. Ellen DeGeneres donated nearly a million dollars and promised to interview Hanna on her show. Some of the young people who started as residents of the Center just a couple of years ago are going out into the world and making a difference. Similar centers have started popping up across the East Coast.

Hanna doesn’t have much to offer in the way of a party, but everyone is in town for the events so she decides to throw a low-key potluck in the backyard. As much as she loves the Center, it’s wonderful to see her friends outside the work setting. The Center is mostly run by other staff, at this point, though Emily and Alison and Hanna go by there at three times a week. Spencer runs the day-to-day operations, occasionally taking on a pro bono case if any of the kids need legal help, but mostly making sure the Center runs smoothly. Aria personally interviewed fifteen candidates to take over the art program, and she checks in whenever she’s in town, which is more often than it used to be. And Mona handles the financials from Philly, though she and Paige are in town frequently enough that Hanna and Spencer’s guest room is stocked with all of their things. Emily and Paige actually worked together to start a swimming program for queer teens.

At the potluck, Hanna tries to let go. She’s tired and exhilarated and caught somewhere between immense sadness and huge relief that the week’s events have come to a close. She sits at a table and drinks a beer, watching Stella—beautiful and so intelligent that it’s intimidating—chatting with Natalie. Marcus is trying to talk Henry into a game of basketball. Melissa looks more relaxed than Hanna can recall ever seeing her as she sits with her wife. Jason and Alison are laughing, looking so much alike as they talk with Mona and Paige, while Emily coos over Grace and her new girlfriend. Lily is picking Aria’s brain about Broadway, probably angling to get a role in the new musical Aria’s been working on. And Ashley and Caleb are reminiscing. They still get along so well, after all these years.

Spencer comes over to the table where Hanna is sitting, gently tugging the beer out of her hand and taking a swig.

“What are you thinking about?” Spencer asks.

Hanna looks up at her wife, at the lines in her face that are more from laughter than tears.

“We’re lucky,” Hanna says.

“We are,” Spencer agrees. She comes to sit beside Hanna and takes her hand as the light starts to shift, the sky blossoming in pink and purple and orange.

It isn’t a perfect day, but it’s pretty damn close.


End file.
